Hello everyone! Well, we are headed to Nashville this weekend to see my family for Christmas! I'm super excited as I have not been home for the holidays in 2 years! A lot has changed that 2 years and it will just be good to be home. I'm also looking forward to seeing some old and dear friends. I'm planning to see my best friend from high school, Tara, and a close college friend, Anna. I miss them and can't wait to catch up!
Also, I wanted to take this time to thank everyone for their love and support these last couple of months. Even though it did not turn out as we had hoped, we know that God has a reason. Your encouragement and just knowing that you're reading and praying with us is so precious. It is a wonderful reminder that God created us to live in community just for times like these. It is through friends and family that we have a tangible look into the heart of God and the way He wants to love us. You are His hands and feet to us, He comforts us through you. You are a constant reminder that He IS still there and walking through this with us.
May you have a very Merry Christmas this year!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Partners in Burden
As many of you know from my recent post, I have been reading a book called Hannah's Hope. It (she) is extremely honest about the journey of infertility. She has not sugarcoated her feelings to make them look pretty or more "godly". I am really appreciating that right now. I struggle with the desire to be honest with God about where I'm at emotionally and fear of "messing up" (I don't exactly know how to explain it) in my walk with God. For lack of a better way to put it, I don't want to offend and piss Him off. (LOL, I know it's not really possible in my head, but the heart is another issue.)
Anyway, in the book she has a section called "Burden Bearers". This is for people reading the book in effort to support a friend or family member facing infertility, miscarriage or adoption loss. Reading them is interesting.... I don't always agree with everything put in there, I find some of it to be more an issue of being overly sensitive. But today, one of the chapters really hit home for me. I wanted to share it with you. However, I want to preface it by saying: please know if you have said or done anything written in this, there is grace from us. We realize you too are in a difficult situation--you have no idea what to say to us. We are not upset with anyone and are over anything you might have said to us in effort to find words of comfort for us. Please do not take it personally! Anyway, so here it is, Chp. 10 Burden Bearers:
It goes on a little bit about opinions, but I felt it worded a little harshly and take the liberty of stopping here. Again I pray you do not read in any bitterness and that you are not made selfconscious of previous statements. I actually chuckled as I was reading this. People, especially acquaintances,have a tendancy to say these in effort to help and we know that. I just thought it was funny that others face this besides us and I thought it was worded well and clearly. I hope that you can have a giggle with me!
Anyway, in the book she has a section called "Burden Bearers". This is for people reading the book in effort to support a friend or family member facing infertility, miscarriage or adoption loss. Reading them is interesting.... I don't always agree with everything put in there, I find some of it to be more an issue of being overly sensitive. But today, one of the chapters really hit home for me. I wanted to share it with you. However, I want to preface it by saying: please know if you have said or done anything written in this, there is grace from us. We realize you too are in a difficult situation--you have no idea what to say to us. We are not upset with anyone and are over anything you might have said to us in effort to find words of comfort for us. Please do not take it personally! Anyway, so here it is, Chp. 10 Burden Bearers:
"Most fertility-related issues are medical problems, often entailing many complex issues. Infertility causes stress, but it is extremely rare for stress to be the sole cause of infertility. "Relaxing" will not cure endometriosis, open blocked fallopian tubes,enable deformed sperm to fertilize an egg, compensate for hormonal imbalances linked to recurrent miscarriage, or change my odds of carrying a child with genetic defects.
Don't suggest that my infertility will be resolved if I "just adopt." Adoption may (or may not) be a part of God's plans for us, but both infertility and adoption are issues we need to work through one step at a time. A healthy period of grieving for the biological child we may never have may be needed before we are ready to even consider adoption. And while I'm sure you know someone who adopted and then got pregnant, statistically, adoption does not increase my chances of future pregnancy.
Please do not offer advice unless I ask you for it. I have probably already heard about (and tried) boxer shorts, vacation, and sexual techniques to improve our chances of conception."
It goes on a little bit about opinions, but I felt it worded a little harshly and take the liberty of stopping here. Again I pray you do not read in any bitterness and that you are not made selfconscious of previous statements. I actually chuckled as I was reading this. People, especially acquaintances,have a tendancy to say these in effort to help and we know that. I just thought it was funny that others face this besides us and I thought it was worded well and clearly. I hope that you can have a giggle with me!
Wii are dangerous!
Well, Chris and I decided, actually he decided because I wouldn't, that we would get a Wii for Christmas. It is supposed to be a gift to each other. I must admit I have been wanting one for a while. But we're grown adults, we don't play video games anymore and we definitely have better things to do with our time. Yeah, right... I LOVE IT! And Chris won't admit it but he does too!
The problem with the Wii is that you can spend hours on end playing it. Also you wake up the next morning wondering why you are so sore. Last night, I got home from work and I bowled, played pool, golfed, super mario bros it up old school style, played Tetris, and tried some baseball. Man does that not just sound exhausting?! By the way, bowling is much harder on the Wii than in real life. I mean who puts obstacles in the middle of the lanes, really. No, but it is super fun. I'm sure if you were walking by my window last night watching me swing imaginery golf clubs and throwing bowling balls, I just looked like a complete freak. I had so much fun though.
All in all I'd say it was a fabulous Christmas gift to each other! Hope all of you guys are having fun, looking forward to time with your family, got your shopping done, and are remembering the true reason for the season! Merry CHRISTmas!
The problem with the Wii is that you can spend hours on end playing it. Also you wake up the next morning wondering why you are so sore. Last night, I got home from work and I bowled, played pool, golfed, super mario bros it up old school style, played Tetris, and tried some baseball. Man does that not just sound exhausting?! By the way, bowling is much harder on the Wii than in real life. I mean who puts obstacles in the middle of the lanes, really. No, but it is super fun. I'm sure if you were walking by my window last night watching me swing imaginery golf clubs and throwing bowling balls, I just looked like a complete freak. I had so much fun though.
All in all I'd say it was a fabulous Christmas gift to each other! Hope all of you guys are having fun, looking forward to time with your family, got your shopping done, and are remembering the true reason for the season! Merry CHRISTmas!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Coping
Well, I know it's been several days since I posted. I guess, I have felt that I don't have much new to say. While the initial sting of the no pregnancy news has to some degree worn off, the ache is still there. How long does it last? Not that I expected that we would be over it in a week, but I do find myself wondering just how long does your heart ache?
For the most part I have been much better. I am able to talk about the experience and share our disappointing news without bursting into tears now. But I do find myself randomly sad and tearful still. I still have a lot of the same questions I did last week. I still haven't gotten past my front door with answers to those questions. I still am waiting on God to reveal the answer to why.
Chris ordered some books for us to read on coping and walking through infertility, miscarriage and loss. (I began reading one of them today called Hannah's Hope.) I am so thankful for his willingness to share his feelings with me and to walk through it with me rather than shutting down. I know that I am hurting, and likewise, so is he. It is definitely a different perspective to understand, the guy perspective on it. So just as everyone has been encouraging to me and asking how I am doing, I encourage you to do the same for him as well.
I would have to say, that I have become thankful that we have not endured more than what we have. I have encountered couples that have been through double the cycles of disappointment that we have and countless unsuccessful in vitro attempts. The book that I mentioned earlier, the author suffered 5 miscarriages, a dozen failed adoptions, and 12 years of infertility with multiple surgeries. So I can be thankful that I have not endured that kind of sorrow. I cannot imagine how to heal a heart that broken. Yet somehow God provides. And I know that God will provide whatever strength we need in abundance, even when it doesn't feel like it. In addition, it is providing opportunities to encourage others walking through the same trials. No matter who you are, in what situation, it is always encouraging to know that you are not alone. If we can reach out to others and let them know they are not alone, that is a gift and a blessing.
Many of you have asked: What now, what next? The answer is that we have no idea. It is hard to imagine going through (mostly the disappointment of) in vitro again, although both of us have said we would do it again. Do we go on to adoption now? I don't know. I find this question right now particularly difficult to think about. The possiblity of another failed attempt at anything is more than my heart can bear. So where do go from here? The desire for children is definitely still there, yet facing loss again is impossible to think about. Whatever the decision, it is at least a few months off.
For the most part I have been much better. I am able to talk about the experience and share our disappointing news without bursting into tears now. But I do find myself randomly sad and tearful still. I still have a lot of the same questions I did last week. I still haven't gotten past my front door with answers to those questions. I still am waiting on God to reveal the answer to why.
Chris ordered some books for us to read on coping and walking through infertility, miscarriage and loss. (I began reading one of them today called Hannah's Hope.) I am so thankful for his willingness to share his feelings with me and to walk through it with me rather than shutting down. I know that I am hurting, and likewise, so is he. It is definitely a different perspective to understand, the guy perspective on it. So just as everyone has been encouraging to me and asking how I am doing, I encourage you to do the same for him as well.
I would have to say, that I have become thankful that we have not endured more than what we have. I have encountered couples that have been through double the cycles of disappointment that we have and countless unsuccessful in vitro attempts. The book that I mentioned earlier, the author suffered 5 miscarriages, a dozen failed adoptions, and 12 years of infertility with multiple surgeries. So I can be thankful that I have not endured that kind of sorrow. I cannot imagine how to heal a heart that broken. Yet somehow God provides. And I know that God will provide whatever strength we need in abundance, even when it doesn't feel like it. In addition, it is providing opportunities to encourage others walking through the same trials. No matter who you are, in what situation, it is always encouraging to know that you are not alone. If we can reach out to others and let them know they are not alone, that is a gift and a blessing.
Many of you have asked: What now, what next? The answer is that we have no idea. It is hard to imagine going through (mostly the disappointment of) in vitro again, although both of us have said we would do it again. Do we go on to adoption now? I don't know. I find this question right now particularly difficult to think about. The possiblity of another failed attempt at anything is more than my heart can bear. So where do go from here? The desire for children is definitely still there, yet facing loss again is impossible to think about. Whatever the decision, it is at least a few months off.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Shaving Tip
This past weekend Amy and I went to St. Louis to do some shopping and at one of the malls we ran across this store called The Art of Shaving. It was a really cool store! They are dedicated to a very good shave. They have old time shaving products like the straight razor, the safety razor(invented in 1901), and the creams and brushes and stuff like that. Its like a specialty Pen store, the razors were like $150 and up. Well, about a year ago I found an old fashioned safety razor in my grandparents new house they were moving into and thought it was neat and kept it. I became very interested in shaving with it after being at this store, so on my way home tonight I stopped and picked up some new blades. I got home from a long day, hopped in the shower and went ahead and shaved with it. I was getting this amazing smooth feel I'd not had before, it was feeling great, then I decided to look in the mirror. HOLY COW, I looked like I should have been in some scary film with my face all cut up. There was a reason I was getting a smooth shave, it was taking every thing off my face!!! Well thankfully when I was at the store I bought a styptic pen in case I was to nick myself, really didn't think I would need it. So I grabbed it and started putting some on my face, well, I was really just rubbing the whole thing all over my face as fast as I could, oh my, that burnt like crazy!! The shave didn't hurt at all, that styptic pen, not using that again. Well, it didn't work, apparently it's only for nicks, not when your face is cut off. Sorry for the bloody towel honey. So, for all the men that want a close shave, go to a professional barber if you want this experience otherwise just stick with the Gillette Fusion. Also visit http://www.theartofshaving.com/ and buy your hubby something cool for christmas(just not a safety razor)!!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Walking through Pain
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8
Well, we are trying to move forward after our disappointment. I cannot say that I am not angry or confused. Because I am. I do not understand why we are where we are right now. I do not understand why God did not bless us with a pregnancy. What about His promises? What about the scripture that we prayed? What exactly does it mean? Did we pray/use it wrong? I don't have the answers. I'm searching for understanding and so far I have not gotten past my front door.
I know that there is a reason. I know that God is faithful. However, I must say that right now, it doesn't FEEL like it. I ask myself sometimes, how can you possibly question God...He is God. The truth is that He is big enough to handle it. Just like any other friend that we have, you have disagreements, you get mad at them, you don't understand them, and eventually you have to deal with that. I figure my God is big enough to handle my questions. I am human, and God will have to help me get through this anger and frustration. This, by no means, is a loss of faith. Quite the contrary, this is faith building. It just sucks.
I was reading Job this morning and it reminded me that there was someone that cried out in anger against God and lived. He got set straight in the end, but nonetheless, he lived and he was blessed abundantly for it.
My thoughts on some of the scripture that we were relying on.... First, I still believe that God will bless us with children of our own. He never gives a timeline on that one. Next, and the more difficult one for me, is the scripture that stated that none will miscarry. To me, I feel like what happened, in essence, was a miscarriage. We put those little embies in there, but nothing. So how do you reconcile that scripture promise? Does God see it differently than we do? Does God say that it's not a miscarriage if the embryo never implanted? I don't know. Beyond that, we have Christian friends, truly followers of the Lord, who have miscarried. How does that fit in? The beginning of that scripture starts out with "Worship the Lord", so does it mean that there is an area of our lives where we are not worshipping the Lord and that is the reason? If so, then where is grace in the midst of all this? If nothing else, I'm sure I know that God's grace is a promise for everyone. I just have a lot of questions that I cannot answer. God is going to have to pick up the tab on these. In the meantime, the scripture that keeps playing over and over in my mind is the one that I posted at the top of the page--"my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways". For now, that's all I have.
Stand in the Rain by Superchick
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why
but she knows that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2naYghOqM0s
Well, we are trying to move forward after our disappointment. I cannot say that I am not angry or confused. Because I am. I do not understand why we are where we are right now. I do not understand why God did not bless us with a pregnancy. What about His promises? What about the scripture that we prayed? What exactly does it mean? Did we pray/use it wrong? I don't have the answers. I'm searching for understanding and so far I have not gotten past my front door.
I know that there is a reason. I know that God is faithful. However, I must say that right now, it doesn't FEEL like it. I ask myself sometimes, how can you possibly question God...He is God. The truth is that He is big enough to handle it. Just like any other friend that we have, you have disagreements, you get mad at them, you don't understand them, and eventually you have to deal with that. I figure my God is big enough to handle my questions. I am human, and God will have to help me get through this anger and frustration. This, by no means, is a loss of faith. Quite the contrary, this is faith building. It just sucks.
I was reading Job this morning and it reminded me that there was someone that cried out in anger against God and lived. He got set straight in the end, but nonetheless, he lived and he was blessed abundantly for it.
My thoughts on some of the scripture that we were relying on.... First, I still believe that God will bless us with children of our own. He never gives a timeline on that one. Next, and the more difficult one for me, is the scripture that stated that none will miscarry. To me, I feel like what happened, in essence, was a miscarriage. We put those little embies in there, but nothing. So how do you reconcile that scripture promise? Does God see it differently than we do? Does God say that it's not a miscarriage if the embryo never implanted? I don't know. Beyond that, we have Christian friends, truly followers of the Lord, who have miscarried. How does that fit in? The beginning of that scripture starts out with "Worship the Lord", so does it mean that there is an area of our lives where we are not worshipping the Lord and that is the reason? If so, then where is grace in the midst of all this? If nothing else, I'm sure I know that God's grace is a promise for everyone. I just have a lot of questions that I cannot answer. God is going to have to pick up the tab on these. In the meantime, the scripture that keeps playing over and over in my mind is the one that I posted at the top of the page--"my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways". For now, that's all I have.
Stand in the Rain by Superchick
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why
but she knows that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2naYghOqM0s
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Continue to check in
Hello all.... I wanted to let you know that I/we will be continuing to post to our blog. We are processing and doing better. I just wanted to let you all know, that even though this is a difficult time, we will continue to keep you updated. Also, I think it's important for you all to be a part of our healing after this cycle. So, my posts may not always be roses, but I will be writing--it's healing for me. Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Results
Well, the pregnancy test was negative this morning. We are sad and brokenhearted. What else to say?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuberville Fired...BAD IDEA!
Well, I don't know if you have heard. I just found out myself that Auburn fired head coach Tommy Tuberville. Now, for those of you who don't really watch Auburn football and only ask me about it to be polite, this is BAD! I realize we had a bad, no horrible and horrendous season. That does not change the fact that he IS a good coach.
He did a lot for our team at Auburn including leading us to an undefeated 13-0 season. We had 6 straight wins against Alabama. Not to mention this is the first losing season of his 10 year tenure at AU. His record speaks for itself. Not to mention that from an academic and discipline standpoint, he was a strict guy. He kept our guys in line. Unfortunately, in SEC football the only season that counts is this season. It's a tough conference and the coaching carousel goes round and round. I believe this stupid mistake will cost Auburn several bad seasons to come.
To those idiots at Auburn who made the decision to fire him, I look forward to saying I told you so. See some other program is now going to snatch him up, and go on to a national championship. I'm sure of it. Then what will they be saying?! Oh, I'm so mad I could just boycott AU football. Only, I won't. As much as I am frustrated about this, it is my alma mater. I love Auburn, and I love the Auburn Tigers! I look forward to better times and remember all the wonderful friends and memories I have from there. That is what makes Auburn special!
He did a lot for our team at Auburn including leading us to an undefeated 13-0 season. We had 6 straight wins against Alabama. Not to mention this is the first losing season of his 10 year tenure at AU. His record speaks for itself. Not to mention that from an academic and discipline standpoint, he was a strict guy. He kept our guys in line. Unfortunately, in SEC football the only season that counts is this season. It's a tough conference and the coaching carousel goes round and round. I believe this stupid mistake will cost Auburn several bad seasons to come.
To those idiots at Auburn who made the decision to fire him, I look forward to saying I told you so. See some other program is now going to snatch him up, and go on to a national championship. I'm sure of it. Then what will they be saying?! Oh, I'm so mad I could just boycott AU football. Only, I won't. As much as I am frustrated about this, it is my alma mater. I love Auburn, and I love the Auburn Tigers! I look forward to better times and remember all the wonderful friends and memories I have from there. That is what makes Auburn special!
The Last 24 Hours
Well here we are, the last 24 hours before our pregnancy test. Man am I nervous! I don't know how you're supposed to feel now if you are pregnant, but I know I don't feel much different than I did last week. What does that mean? Does it mean I'm not pregnant? Does it mean it's just too early to have pregnancy symptoms? Am I just going to be lucky and not have morning sickness even though I am pregnant? Ahhh.....this is just crazy!
I've been working the last 2 days and I am thankful that I've had something to make the day go by and keep my mind off of things. Well, not completely off of it, but not obsessing anyway. Today is another story. I'm at home today, Chris is at work. All I want to do is cheat and take a test. I know I can't and it's a bad idea though. How in the world will this day ever end!!!
I've been working the last 2 days and I am thankful that I've had something to make the day go by and keep my mind off of things. Well, not completely off of it, but not obsessing anyway. Today is another story. I'm at home today, Chris is at work. All I want to do is cheat and take a test. I know I can't and it's a bad idea though. How in the world will this day ever end!!!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is such an interesting time of year I think. It's a whole day that is dedicated to remembering what you are thankful for. Why do we need a day set aside to do that? Shouldn't we be thankful every day?! Well I know that this year, at this time, I have found myself particularly thankful! I'm thankful for my wonderful, awesome husband to whom I respect tremendously! I'm thankful for family. I'm thankful for our friends. I'm thankful for the opportunities and ways that I've grown this year. On these I will expand....
First, my husband. He truly is a wonderful man who loves me and loves the Lord. I cannot think of anyone else that I could have faced this past year with besides him. He has been a rock for me, a shoulder to cry on, an encourager, a best friend, and so many more things. I am currently learning, recent thanks to our Sunday School class, about what it means to respect him. There is no better way to show your husband (or the man in your life) that you love him, than to respect who he is and tell (or show) him that...often. While this is a work in progress, I am grateful for his patient heart and his grace. We are learning together.
My family... I have a great family, on both sides. My parents have been so supportive of our journey these last months. I am thankful for their patience in raising me and sending me out to the world, often far away. I have been equipped with life skills from them that I discover all the time. You don't realize what your parents pour into you until you're on your own. To my brother, Mark, I'm so thankful that he entrusts me with the secrets, the joys, and the hard times that he faces. He has given me an awesome, adorable nephew too! I only wish we were together more often. My in-laws, all of them... I have definitely been blessed with wonderful in-laws who have accepted me just as I am and loved us together as a couple. I do not think there is anyone who has more supportive in-laws than I do. This is so important, I have observed, in the health of a marriage. I had the privilege of spending time with them over this Thanksgiving holiday and was truly grateful for the company of family, particularly now! While Shon, Michelle, Sheldon and Larkin are across the country from us, they have been awesome to get to know and share life, challenges, and prayers with.
We have been overwhelmingly blessed with amazing friends! The outpouring of prayer, love and support, this year especially, has become ever increasingly evident. The encouragement provided to us brings tears to my eyes and I do not know how we would have survived without it! Everywhere we have moved, God has blessed us with longtime friends that have shared much happiness as well as hard times with us. You are our family! Having lived at least 6 or more hours from my own family for over 10 years now, my friends have kept me sane and been God's hands and feet to me. I cannot express the depths of gratitude I have for you in my heart!
As for opportunites and growth, we have certainly faced our fair share of those this year. However, I would not change any of it. I do really mean that. Would it have been nice to have children the old fashioned way? Sure. But I would not have learned the lessons, I would not enjoy the closeness with God that I now have. What a blessing God has given us to provide the finances and resources for fertility treatments! I know that Chris and I would not have grown together as a couple as much as we have this year. I have learned more about how to use and trust God's Word in the past year than I have in the past 10 years since I became a believer. I have greater appreciation for the miracle of life and blessing of children! When our little one finally arrives one day, the joy and true appreciation will be overwhelming. Children are a gift from the Lord!
So I end the day with a full belly and thankful for all we have and what is to come!
First, my husband. He truly is a wonderful man who loves me and loves the Lord. I cannot think of anyone else that I could have faced this past year with besides him. He has been a rock for me, a shoulder to cry on, an encourager, a best friend, and so many more things. I am currently learning, recent thanks to our Sunday School class, about what it means to respect him. There is no better way to show your husband (or the man in your life) that you love him, than to respect who he is and tell (or show) him that...often. While this is a work in progress, I am grateful for his patient heart and his grace. We are learning together.
My family... I have a great family, on both sides. My parents have been so supportive of our journey these last months. I am thankful for their patience in raising me and sending me out to the world, often far away. I have been equipped with life skills from them that I discover all the time. You don't realize what your parents pour into you until you're on your own. To my brother, Mark, I'm so thankful that he entrusts me with the secrets, the joys, and the hard times that he faces. He has given me an awesome, adorable nephew too! I only wish we were together more often. My in-laws, all of them... I have definitely been blessed with wonderful in-laws who have accepted me just as I am and loved us together as a couple. I do not think there is anyone who has more supportive in-laws than I do. This is so important, I have observed, in the health of a marriage. I had the privilege of spending time with them over this Thanksgiving holiday and was truly grateful for the company of family, particularly now! While Shon, Michelle, Sheldon and Larkin are across the country from us, they have been awesome to get to know and share life, challenges, and prayers with.
We have been overwhelmingly blessed with amazing friends! The outpouring of prayer, love and support, this year especially, has become ever increasingly evident. The encouragement provided to us brings tears to my eyes and I do not know how we would have survived without it! Everywhere we have moved, God has blessed us with longtime friends that have shared much happiness as well as hard times with us. You are our family! Having lived at least 6 or more hours from my own family for over 10 years now, my friends have kept me sane and been God's hands and feet to me. I cannot express the depths of gratitude I have for you in my heart!
As for opportunites and growth, we have certainly faced our fair share of those this year. However, I would not change any of it. I do really mean that. Would it have been nice to have children the old fashioned way? Sure. But I would not have learned the lessons, I would not enjoy the closeness with God that I now have. What a blessing God has given us to provide the finances and resources for fertility treatments! I know that Chris and I would not have grown together as a couple as much as we have this year. I have learned more about how to use and trust God's Word in the past year than I have in the past 10 years since I became a believer. I have greater appreciation for the miracle of life and blessing of children! When our little one finally arrives one day, the joy and true appreciation will be overwhelming. Children are a gift from the Lord!
So I end the day with a full belly and thankful for all we have and what is to come!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Beginning the Long Wait
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ...Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:4, 6-7
As this waiting process begins, I would definitely say the above verse is one we will be standing on! It is hard not to be anxious and nervous. It has been such a long road to where we are now and it all hangs on these next 8 days.
I got the phone call this morning from Jaime, the embryologist, about our other embies. Unfortunately, all of them stopped growing so we were unable to freeze any. I was not necessarily surprised at this news after our report yesterday, but at the same time I am sad to know none were able to be frozen. Our report yesterday was that they had significantly slowed in their growth and had fragmentation (abnormal cells growing that can delay normal growth). She said that the fragmentation had grown to the point that the abnormal cells were drowning out the normal cells so that they couldn't grow anymore. Apparently this is thought to be due to genetics or some sort of defect with the egg or the sperm. Nothing can be done on our part or the lab's part, it just happens. Nonetheless, it is disheartening.
We must shift our focus, though, to the blessing that God has given us with the 2 embryos we transferred yesterday! And they are a blessing! Constant prayer that they implant and continue to grow! Bedrest is making it easy to do a lot of thinking and praying. However, that also means constant thought about the next 8 days. I have to follow the direction of God's command--Rejoice ALWAYS! Give over my thoughts, worries, and anxieties to Him through prayer. Then His peace will take over. I definitely need His peace! Each step brings me closer to our Lord and am amazed at how alive and true His Word is!
I would ask that over the next 8 days you pray diligently with us a very specific scripture. As we left the office yesterday, we are technically pregnant! We must pray and trust that the Lord will continue to grow these babies. This is why we believe this scripture is so important and pertinent!
"Worship the Lord your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and NONE WILL MISCARRY or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span." Exodus 23:25-26 (emphasis mine)
Prayfully, The Earharts
As this waiting process begins, I would definitely say the above verse is one we will be standing on! It is hard not to be anxious and nervous. It has been such a long road to where we are now and it all hangs on these next 8 days.
I got the phone call this morning from Jaime, the embryologist, about our other embies. Unfortunately, all of them stopped growing so we were unable to freeze any. I was not necessarily surprised at this news after our report yesterday, but at the same time I am sad to know none were able to be frozen. Our report yesterday was that they had significantly slowed in their growth and had fragmentation (abnormal cells growing that can delay normal growth). She said that the fragmentation had grown to the point that the abnormal cells were drowning out the normal cells so that they couldn't grow anymore. Apparently this is thought to be due to genetics or some sort of defect with the egg or the sperm. Nothing can be done on our part or the lab's part, it just happens. Nonetheless, it is disheartening.
We must shift our focus, though, to the blessing that God has given us with the 2 embryos we transferred yesterday! And they are a blessing! Constant prayer that they implant and continue to grow! Bedrest is making it easy to do a lot of thinking and praying. However, that also means constant thought about the next 8 days. I have to follow the direction of God's command--Rejoice ALWAYS! Give over my thoughts, worries, and anxieties to Him through prayer. Then His peace will take over. I definitely need His peace! Each step brings me closer to our Lord and am amazed at how alive and true His Word is!
I would ask that over the next 8 days you pray diligently with us a very specific scripture. As we left the office yesterday, we are technically pregnant! We must pray and trust that the Lord will continue to grow these babies. This is why we believe this scripture is so important and pertinent!
"Worship the Lord your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and NONE WILL MISCARRY or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span." Exodus 23:25-26 (emphasis mine)
Prayfully, The Earharts
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Implant, Embies, Implant!
Well, we're back from our big day! I'm more nervous than ever and dread the long wait to find out that we're pregnant! So now, I'm hanging out on the couch with Chris today doing a whole lot of nothing, as I will do over the next couple of days.
When we got to the office this morning, the first thing was talking about how all the embryos are doing and making a final decision on how many to transfer. We had 2 early blastocysts that we transferred. The rest are a little behind schedule and tomorrow the office will let us know how many were able to be frozen.
We also got to look at pictures from the past few days of development as well as a couple of bonus pics that Chris requested. In one picture, they were getting ready to inject the sperm. If you look close you can see the little sperm in the needle, it's a little tiny white dot. The other picture is of the 2 embies that we transferred.
After the transfer I had to lay flat for an hour in the office. They wheeled me in to the "recovery room" (not really a true recovery room, more just a name to call it) and I faced the wall. I was trying to talk to Chris and one of the nurses who came back to say hi and my neck was hurting from it. So Chris moved the stretcher back so I had better scenery! Him! We prayed, listened to worship music and talked and before we knew it, it was time to go.
That brings us to where we are now, sitting on the couch! I think tonight, our friends Matt and Rhiannon are coming over to bring food and play cards! It will be a lot of fun to hang out, and to listen to Chris and Matt banter back and forth. They are both so funny! We will try and keep you up to date on our progress. Unfortunately, it's mostly waiting, the worst!
Monday, November 24, 2008
Jumping Beans
Well, today I have been doing many things to stay busy and keep my mind off the fact that I get no report today. I went shopping for Christmas decorations and bought the last few items for Thanksgiving dinner at our house! Since I will be on bedrest for a couple of days, Chris will be helping me with the cooking, but at least the shopping is done. I am also getting ready to do some cleaning. Oh the crazy things we do to keep our minds occupied!
Yesterday and today, I feel as if I have a million little jumping beans in my body. I'm so excited about tomorrow that I can hardly contain myself! My mind races and my jumping beans jump! I often wonder if the dogs know there is something going on and just how much their lives are about to change. They will no longer be the center of attention, a new little life will be!
While I know that today's post is not as exciting as the past few, I hope this can satisfy until tomorrow! Hopefully we will have pictures of our little embies and a report of how they all are, and of course, how the transfer went. So stay tuned....
Yesterday and today, I feel as if I have a million little jumping beans in my body. I'm so excited about tomorrow that I can hardly contain myself! My mind races and my jumping beans jump! I often wonder if the dogs know there is something going on and just how much their lives are about to change. They will no longer be the center of attention, a new little life will be!
While I know that today's post is not as exciting as the past few, I hope this can satisfy until tomorrow! Hopefully we will have pictures of our little embies and a report of how they all are, and of course, how the transfer went. So stay tuned....
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Grow Embies Grow
"Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalm 100
Well I must confess that I stole this scripture from church this morning, but I just found it so fitting for today! As you all know, we have been getting daily updates on our precious little embryos each day. So far it has been nothing short of exceptional news!!! We are so thankful for the way that God has blessed us in this process and stand in amazement at the work of His hand!
This morning Jaime, the embryologist, called at 8:30 am while we were getting ready for church. We were expecting that call, even though she was about 30 minutes early. The news was almost as perfect as it could be! All 9 embies are doing great and growing and look healthy! On day 3 they should be at about the 8 cell stage (see picture below). Here's the lowdown on where our little ones are:
2 - 5 cells
Well I must confess that I stole this scripture from church this morning, but I just found it so fitting for today! As you all know, we have been getting daily updates on our precious little embryos each day. So far it has been nothing short of exceptional news!!! We are so thankful for the way that God has blessed us in this process and stand in amazement at the work of His hand!
This morning Jaime, the embryologist, called at 8:30 am while we were getting ready for church. We were expecting that call, even though she was about 30 minutes early. The news was almost as perfect as it could be! All 9 embies are doing great and growing and look healthy! On day 3 they should be at about the 8 cell stage (see picture below). Here's the lowdown on where our little ones are:
2 - 5 cells1 - 6 cells
2 - 7 cells
3 - 8 cells
1 - 9 cells
How much more exciting and thankful could we be!!! Because all of them are growing well, our transfer will be Tuesday at 11:30 am. This will be on day 5 of their development and they should be at the blastocyst stage (see picture below). This is the stage where the cells start differentiating between what cells will make up the baby and what cells will make up the placenta. This is also right around the time when the embryo "hatches" and attaches to the uterus. So it's perfect timing for the transfer!
Tomorrow will be the hardest day since retrieval I think. They do not take the embies out of the incubator tomorrow, so we will not get a report until transfer day. It's all good though! We know that the Lord is growing and protecting them and can't wait to see actual pictures of them on Tuesday!
Anxiously awaiting Tuesday!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Growing
Today's call was very good, here is the run down on the embies:
The two 2 cell's both have some fragmentation. This is somewhat normal. They say that most of the time it will continue to grow, we will see on the days ahead. Here is a picture of a 2 cell with fragmentation.
3 - 4 cell
1 - 5 cell
2 - 2 cell
2 - 3 cell
That's only 8 but all 9 were growing. We think there is another 3 cell. On day two they want them to be at a cell 4 stage, the call was early in the moring so the 3 cell embies would probably be at 4 cells by the afternoon and we have the 5 cell that is ahead of schedule, YEAH! Here is a picture of a 4 cell embie (not ours though).
The two 2 cell's both have some fragmentation. This is somewhat normal. They say that most of the time it will continue to grow, we will see on the days ahead. Here is a picture of a 2 cell with fragmentation.
They are supposed to call us back at 9am and decide if they are going to do a day 3 transfer. They have us scheduled for 11am for a transfer. This is standard for them to do. We don't think they will do a day 3 transfer since we have so many embies growing so well right now. Tomorrow will give us more info!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Our First Call Back
Do you remember when you were like in the 5th grade and you got your report card from school and you were really nervous about opening it, or maybe your boss calls you and says they need to sit down and "talk". What's that feeling like?
Well, today was quite like one of those days. Yesterday went so well, I got up this morning and everything was going great too. We were expecting a call from the doctor's office around 11 to give us an update on how many eggs got fertilized. Jaime, the embryologist, called Amy, then Amy called me. We had a little issue getting us all on the phone, but we all got on and then Jaime started off VERY slowly saying "Well, here is where we are right now". Why is it that our brains go straight to the most negitive thing you can think of? My adrenaline started pumping so much it was out of control. If you already read Amy's post from this morning you already know that the news that Jaime was giving us was excellent!!!! We had 9 eggs that fertilized and are growing, and that is really good!! So my adrenaline was pumped up so much that I was having such a hard time working and I didn't calm down till about 4 in the afternoon.
I was still pretty excited after work that Amy and I went to get a pedicure. I really wanted a massage, but we couldn't afford doing that. I know my friend Matt's going to give me a hard time about that, but I didn't care. We sat in the massage chair and had our feet soaking in the hot water for about an hour; it felt so good and was so relaxing.
I called my friend Tim, who's gone through this before, to talk about the call today. He says the next few days are like this when they call and give you an update each day. He also says the last call telling you if your pregnant is the worse call to take. I'm praying the next few calls don't get me so stressed out.
Well, today was quite like one of those days. Yesterday went so well, I got up this morning and everything was going great too. We were expecting a call from the doctor's office around 11 to give us an update on how many eggs got fertilized. Jaime, the embryologist, called Amy, then Amy called me. We had a little issue getting us all on the phone, but we all got on and then Jaime started off VERY slowly saying "Well, here is where we are right now". Why is it that our brains go straight to the most negitive thing you can think of? My adrenaline started pumping so much it was out of control. If you already read Amy's post from this morning you already know that the news that Jaime was giving us was excellent!!!! We had 9 eggs that fertilized and are growing, and that is really good!! So my adrenaline was pumped up so much that I was having such a hard time working and I didn't calm down till about 4 in the afternoon.
I was still pretty excited after work that Amy and I went to get a pedicure. I really wanted a massage, but we couldn't afford doing that. I know my friend Matt's going to give me a hard time about that, but I didn't care. We sat in the massage chair and had our feet soaking in the hot water for about an hour; it felt so good and was so relaxing.
I called my friend Tim, who's gone through this before, to talk about the call today. He says the next few days are like this when they call and give you an update each day. He also says the last call telling you if your pregnant is the worse call to take. I'm praying the next few calls don't get me so stressed out.
Our Baseball Team
Well, it's official, The Earhart (in vitro) baseball team. That's right 9 out of 11 eggs fertilized!!! That's an 82% fertilization rate, which apparently is higher than what they normally see. Usually it's about a 70% fertilization rate. We wait with bated breath to hear tomorrow's news now. We're so excited!!! I don't even know what else to write!
(Happy Dance Here)
(Happy Dance Here)
Thursday, November 20, 2008
I remember.....no wait I don't!
Hello everyone! I'm back from my slumber and feeling good. I remember I put on the gown backwards. I remember laying on the table. I remember Dr.Wilshire coming in and talking to me about Dr.Fairlamb (a cardiologist who works on my floor). I remember the anaesthesiologist telling me to have sweet dreams. I remember Kim , RN telling me how many eggs they retrieved. Somewhere in the middle I don't remember anything!
This morning went very well--they retrieved 11 eggs!!! Jaime, the embryologist, will call us every day to give us an update on how things are going with the embryo(s). Tomorrow is day 1 and she will let us know how many of the eggs fertilized. From there it's day by day to decide when embryo transfer day will be. We do know that it will be either Sunday or Tuesday though.
As for today at home.... We got home at around 8 am and both of us were tired, so we took a nap until about noon. The rest of the day doesn't get much more exciting or productive for me. I think Chris is planning on doing a few things around the house. I am supposed to take it easy today and tomorrow. Apparently I'm not allowed to "operate heavy machinery" today. I guess driving and mowing the lawn are out then, LOL. Really though, I feel much better than I expected--no pain, just a little tired.
Thanks for all your prayers today, they worked! Please pray for healthy, growing little embryos and good reports each day. Looking forward to giving you guys the daily update!
This morning went very well--they retrieved 11 eggs!!! Jaime, the embryologist, will call us every day to give us an update on how things are going with the embryo(s). Tomorrow is day 1 and she will let us know how many of the eggs fertilized. From there it's day by day to decide when embryo transfer day will be. We do know that it will be either Sunday or Tuesday though.
As for today at home.... We got home at around 8 am and both of us were tired, so we took a nap until about noon. The rest of the day doesn't get much more exciting or productive for me. I think Chris is planning on doing a few things around the house. I am supposed to take it easy today and tomorrow. Apparently I'm not allowed to "operate heavy machinery" today. I guess driving and mowing the lawn are out then, LOL. Really though, I feel much better than I expected--no pain, just a little tired.
Thanks for all your prayers today, they worked! Please pray for healthy, growing little embryos and good reports each day. Looking forward to giving you guys the daily update!
Egg Retrieval
It's 4:55 am, I'm ready to go to the Dr.'s office and Amy is almost ready to go to. I didn't get but about 45 min to an hour of sleep, I was thinking way too much. Amy slept really good, but it's way too early for her. She'll probably sleep more when we get back home.
We'll update when we get back with how many eggs we had.
Enjoy the rest of your sleep this morning.
Chris
We'll update when we get back with how many eggs we had.
Enjoy the rest of your sleep this morning.
Chris
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Big Daddy Shot
Tonight I got to give Amy the Big Daddy Shot. I got home from work about 7:10 and we had to take the shot exactly at 8:00pm, we were both hungry so we ran down to Cracker Barrel to eat, we took the shot with us just in case we didn't make it back home in time. Well, we didn't get done eating till right at 8, Amy got the shot ready at the table. People around us were looking at her like what is this lady doing. I went and paid, we ran to the car and I gave the shot to her in her booty. We came on home and laughed about it. Here's a picture of the shot.
Alien Invaders
"O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! ...When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" Psalm 8:1, 3-4
"I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2
Well for those of you who have ever wondered what eggs in your ovaries look like, the above picture is just for you! All this talk of eggs, I thought I'd post mine. These are not all of them, but these were the best pictures to post. One is of the left side and the other is of the right side. I think they're kinda funny because it looks like ET is staring at you or something!
Our appointment yesterday went great! My estogren level doubled in 2 days and my follicles just took off (meaning they got bigger)! We also had to go back this morning after my last shot of medicine (happy dance, no more daily shots). Dr.Wilshire is very pleased with how I have progressed over the past couple of days. Today he said possibly 10-12 eggs. So tonight will be my trigger shot (my real last shot), sometime between 7 and 8 pm. Then Thursday morning is the retrieval!!!
It has been amazing to be witness to how the Lord has created the body to work. It is hard for me to walk through this process and to think there are people out there who can believe there is no God. The intricate inner workings of us is beyond imagination and can only be the work of a divine and wonderful God! No sludge, crystals, big bang or any other convoluted theory can explain away that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are the work of our Maker, He knits us together, He created all that we see and even the things we cannot see and cannot understand. Praise God that we are not accidents!
How Great is Our God! (Psst, it's a link.)
Sunday, November 16, 2008
You Never Let Go
Joshua 24:15 ...then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve...
As for me and my household We WILL serve the Lord.
I've grown to really like this song the last few weeks from Matt Redman called You Never Let Go. Click here to see a video with the words in it. I know it's about Him never letting go of us. I too never want to let go of him. When I sing the words "there will be an end to these troubles" I hear God saying to me that he will bless us with children one day. Because we know and have the faith that our troubles WILL come to an end one day, therefore we are filled with a peace here on this earth and can live to know God more and are able to Praise HIM!! Please take a moment to listen to the song and praise God for never letting go of us.
2 Corinthians 12:9 Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties, for when I am weak, then I am Strong!
1 Peter 1:6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
I praise the Lord for what we have gone through and give him praise. God has brought us not only closer to each other but closer to Him. We will always praise Him, we will praise Him when we are in hardships, like now, and we will praise Him when we are being blessed.
To God, all glory, honor and praise we give to you today!! Thank You!
It's amazing how God speaks to us. I was just getting ready to post this when I remembered Amy had just posted a message a few hours ago. I thought I would read hers before I posted mine. I was amazed that she and I were posting the same exact verse with out either one of us talking about this verse in months. I'm still going to post it anyway.
As for me and my household We WILL serve the Lord.
I've grown to really like this song the last few weeks from Matt Redman called You Never Let Go. Click here to see a video with the words in it. I know it's about Him never letting go of us. I too never want to let go of him. When I sing the words "there will be an end to these troubles" I hear God saying to me that he will bless us with children one day. Because we know and have the faith that our troubles WILL come to an end one day, therefore we are filled with a peace here on this earth and can live to know God more and are able to Praise HIM!! Please take a moment to listen to the song and praise God for never letting go of us.
2 Corinthians 12:9 Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties, for when I am weak, then I am Strong!
1 Peter 1:6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
I praise the Lord for what we have gone through and give him praise. God has brought us not only closer to each other but closer to Him. We will always praise Him, we will praise Him when we are in hardships, like now, and we will praise Him when we are being blessed.
To God, all glory, honor and praise we give to you today!! Thank You!
It's amazing how God speaks to us. I was just getting ready to post this when I remembered Amy had just posted a message a few hours ago. I thought I would read hers before I posted mine. I was amazed that she and I were posting the same exact verse with out either one of us talking about this verse in months. I'm still going to post it anyway.
Just around the corner
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why , for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
To follow up on my last post, I think that I have accepted that sometimes we need to let our expectations go. I need to remember and focus on the Lord in this process, rather than what I see. It's hard to always keep that in sight. Thank God for grace!
Saturday's appointment went about the same as Thursday. All is progressing as planned--the ultrasound and estrogen level were good. No changes in our medicine. It looks like there will be about 6-8 eggs that they will retrieve. Dr.Wilshire said probably a Thursday retrieval. We are getting really close now! If Thursday is retrieval, then tomorrow night will be my last day of Follistim. I think that Tuesday night will be the trigger shot (it mimics the hormone your body produces to mature the follicles and release the egg, ovulation in essence). Retrieval will be Thursday morning at an hour that no one in his right mind would be up for! We are excited!
We want to thank you all for your prayers and encouragement! So many of you have continued to ask how we are doing and remind us that you are by our side praying for us. We cannot begin to express just how much this blesses our hearts and reassures us that we are not alone! It is wonderful to see our church, our family and our friends come together in support of us! It is humbling to see the hands of God at work in each of you and through you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
To follow up on my last post, I think that I have accepted that sometimes we need to let our expectations go. I need to remember and focus on the Lord in this process, rather than what I see. It's hard to always keep that in sight. Thank God for grace!
Saturday's appointment went about the same as Thursday. All is progressing as planned--the ultrasound and estrogen level were good. No changes in our medicine. It looks like there will be about 6-8 eggs that they will retrieve. Dr.Wilshire said probably a Thursday retrieval. We are getting really close now! If Thursday is retrieval, then tomorrow night will be my last day of Follistim. I think that Tuesday night will be the trigger shot (it mimics the hormone your body produces to mature the follicles and release the egg, ovulation in essence). Retrieval will be Thursday morning at an hour that no one in his right mind would be up for! We are excited!
We want to thank you all for your prayers and encouragement! So many of you have continued to ask how we are doing and remind us that you are by our side praying for us. We cannot begin to express just how much this blesses our hearts and reassures us that we are not alone! It is wonderful to see our church, our family and our friends come together in support of us! It is humbling to see the hands of God at work in each of you and through you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Great Expections
"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14
For those literary geniouses out there, no, this post is not about the book. What are my great expections for the day? Hmmm.... I'm not quite sure. I do know that they weren't met this morning though.
We went in for ultrasound and estrogen level this morning. (On a side note, I hate mornings; I'm just not a morning kinda gal.) The ultrasound showed 6 follicles. They're getting bigger and growing just as they are supposed to apparently. My estrogen level was right on track and we keep truckin' along with our same dosage schedule. All this to say, I guess I just expected more, bigger or different somehow. Dr.Wilshire encouraged me that all is exactly as it is supposed to be and where he wants us. He said that the egg quality is more important than how many. Right now he wants to grow quality eggs, not just quantity. I guess that means less is more. Which in my head I understand and am nodding in agreement. I don't know how to explain it, I just expected something different. I'm not upset, worried, disappointed or sad, just kinda shaking my head trying to reconcile what I expected with actuality. The problem is I don't really know what I expected. At any rate, he said it looks like retrieval will be pushed back to "late next week". Right now he predicts about 6-8 eggs on retrieval day. Of course each appointment can change things, so that number may change as well.
I trust that God knows what He's doing. He has brought us here. We have learned many lessons along the way. I've never been good with patience, so I'm sure I'm supposed to be patient. It will all be worth it when we see our little one!
For those literary geniouses out there, no, this post is not about the book. What are my great expections for the day? Hmmm.... I'm not quite sure. I do know that they weren't met this morning though.
We went in for ultrasound and estrogen level this morning. (On a side note, I hate mornings; I'm just not a morning kinda gal.) The ultrasound showed 6 follicles. They're getting bigger and growing just as they are supposed to apparently. My estrogen level was right on track and we keep truckin' along with our same dosage schedule. All this to say, I guess I just expected more, bigger or different somehow. Dr.Wilshire encouraged me that all is exactly as it is supposed to be and where he wants us. He said that the egg quality is more important than how many. Right now he wants to grow quality eggs, not just quantity. I guess that means less is more. Which in my head I understand and am nodding in agreement. I don't know how to explain it, I just expected something different. I'm not upset, worried, disappointed or sad, just kinda shaking my head trying to reconcile what I expected with actuality. The problem is I don't really know what I expected. At any rate, he said it looks like retrieval will be pushed back to "late next week". Right now he predicts about 6-8 eggs on retrieval day. Of course each appointment can change things, so that number may change as well.
I trust that God knows what He's doing. He has brought us here. We have learned many lessons along the way. I've never been good with patience, so I'm sure I'm supposed to be patient. It will all be worth it when we see our little one!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Patience is a virtue
We had our first doctor's appt this morning since starting Follistim. The ultrasound looked good and I have several little follicles developing. This afternoon, the doctor's office called me to tell me my labs were fine and that I could continue the same dose of Follistim I am currently on.
I guess, I was expecting that I would have more follicles and bigger ones because I'm on twice the dose that I had been in previous cycles. But all is progressing as planned according to Katie, RN. I guess I just need patience. In the words of Heinz Ketchup--"The best things come to those who wait"! Our next appt is Thursday, and hopefully I'll see whatever it is my brain wants to see.
Thursday.....I can make it till Thursday...... no really I can.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
In Full Swing (by Chris)
Well, we are in full swing and I'm so excited. Amy started taking the Follistim medication on Friday and will take this for about 10 days all together. We've done this medication 3 times before so we are pretty use to this step. The difference this time though is that she is taking twice the dose.
Tomorrow we have another appointment to see how the Follistim is doing developing the eggs. They can't actually see the eggs, but they monitor follicles which is close to how many eggs you could potentially have. So we'll exchange the term follicles or eggs as the same thing.This week Amy will be on the medicine all this week then we have a tentitive date of 18th for the egg retrival, they will fertilize them right then and monitor them for the next 5 days and then do an embryo transfer sometime between the 3rd and 5th day, that's the 23rd for now.
Tonight I cooked dinner and I can't wait for Amy to get home to spend time together.
Tomorrow we have another appointment to see how the Follistim is doing developing the eggs. They can't actually see the eggs, but they monitor follicles which is close to how many eggs you could potentially have. So we'll exchange the term follicles or eggs as the same thing.This week Amy will be on the medicine all this week then we have a tentitive date of 18th for the egg retrival, they will fertilize them right then and monitor them for the next 5 days and then do an embryo transfer sometime between the 3rd and 5th day, that's the 23rd for now.
Tonight I cooked dinner and I can't wait for Amy to get home to spend time together.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
5 miles in on a 10 mile journey
On the journey that is IVF, we are about 5 miles in on a 10 mile journey. I'm thankful that things are about to speed up! I've done a little over a month stint of birth control. Done with that, thank goodness! I started Lupron about a week ago, and now got to drop the dose down. Friday we start our Follistim injections and it's a speeding train from there!
Let's see, some of you are reading that like--"OMG what's with the birth control? And what in the heck is Lupron and Follistim?" I'm glad you asked! We were on birth control to suppress my ovaries from producing eggs. It turns out that if you suppress your ovaries the month before IVF, you have a better chance to produce more eggs. Who knew?! The Lupron is a medicine that keeps me from ovulating prior to egg retrieval. It's basically a medicine that tricks your brain into thinking it still needs time to mature those eggs. Follistim is a hormone medicine. Your body actually produces the hormone that makes up Follistim. It is a hormone that tells your ovaries to grow and mature the eggs. For me, my body doesn't produce enough of that to ovulate regularly, so I need a boost. Plus I will take more than your body would naturally produce so that I can produce more eggs. My doctor calls it "rocket fuel"!
Outside of adding Lupron to the mix, this round is no different (medicine regimen wise) than our previous cycles when we did IUI. This is the fun stage! You go in every 2-3 days and they do an ultrasound and you actually get to see all the follicles growing and developing! And this ride goes quick! It will only take about 7-9 days for the follicles to grow and have mature eggs in them to retrieve.
Today we went in and signed all of our many consents for the procedure. It is amazing how many things you have to sign to do one procedure. Each little step has it's own signature! There's one for stimulating your ovaries and the egg retrieval. There's one for fertilization of the egg with your hubby's sperm. There's one for cryopreservation of any embryos that you don't transfer. Within all those, there are all these places you have to initial for the details of the procedure and the what if's. It's amazing the many creative ways and reasons the law has come up with for you to sign things!
I can't believe we're about 2 weeks away from the big day(s)! In some ways it feels like this whole process has taken f-o-r-e-v-e-r. I guess though if you look at the whole scheme of life, what's 2 years in the rest of one's life! Here's to a bouncing baby boy or girl!
Let's see, some of you are reading that like--"OMG what's with the birth control? And what in the heck is Lupron and Follistim?" I'm glad you asked! We were on birth control to suppress my ovaries from producing eggs. It turns out that if you suppress your ovaries the month before IVF, you have a better chance to produce more eggs. Who knew?! The Lupron is a medicine that keeps me from ovulating prior to egg retrieval. It's basically a medicine that tricks your brain into thinking it still needs time to mature those eggs. Follistim is a hormone medicine. Your body actually produces the hormone that makes up Follistim. It is a hormone that tells your ovaries to grow and mature the eggs. For me, my body doesn't produce enough of that to ovulate regularly, so I need a boost. Plus I will take more than your body would naturally produce so that I can produce more eggs. My doctor calls it "rocket fuel"!
Outside of adding Lupron to the mix, this round is no different (medicine regimen wise) than our previous cycles when we did IUI. This is the fun stage! You go in every 2-3 days and they do an ultrasound and you actually get to see all the follicles growing and developing! And this ride goes quick! It will only take about 7-9 days for the follicles to grow and have mature eggs in them to retrieve.
Today we went in and signed all of our many consents for the procedure. It is amazing how many things you have to sign to do one procedure. Each little step has it's own signature! There's one for stimulating your ovaries and the egg retrieval. There's one for fertilization of the egg with your hubby's sperm. There's one for cryopreservation of any embryos that you don't transfer. Within all those, there are all these places you have to initial for the details of the procedure and the what if's. It's amazing the many creative ways and reasons the law has come up with for you to sign things!
I can't believe we're about 2 weeks away from the big day(s)! In some ways it feels like this whole process has taken f-o-r-e-v-e-r. I guess though if you look at the whole scheme of life, what's 2 years in the rest of one's life! Here's to a bouncing baby boy or girl!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Faith vs. Fertility
So how do you deal with fertility issues in light of faith? For those of you who do not know it, when it comes to dealing with infertility and treatment, it is quite controversial among Christians. We have close personal friends who are struggling through these very issues as well. It is a HUGE deal. Chris and I are in the unique situation of struggling with infertility and trying to do it in way that will glorify God. There are lots of thoughts out there, but this is to share with you our journey and how we got to where we are today. I hope and pray that this brings you to a better understanding of God, us, and the fertility process.
First let me start out by saying that struggling with infertility is hard no matter who you are. It can rip marriages apart, cause deep depression, and make you feel alone, defective, unacceptable and somehow less human. Add to that a friends and/or family who choose to criticize the path you choose to take (I believe mostly because they are uneducated), and it can be extremely hurtful. Fortunately for us, our families and the majority of our friends have been very supportive. We are thankful for this challenge God has given us. For Chris and me, it has strengthened our marriage, by the grace of God, and grown us spiritually. Thankfully, we have the promises God on our side and the Holy Spirit to guide us!
So if this is such a huge deal, you may ask where do you stand and what have you decided to do? I will answer the latter first. We chose treatment and have been walking through this process for almost 2 years now, seeing our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) for a little over a year. God is pro-medicine—“Stop drinking only water, and use a little wine because of your stomach and your frequent illnesses”. Here wine is used as a medicine. If you were sick and needed antibiotics or surgery for an appendicitis, you would seek treatment. Our fertility treatments fall in the same category. We have a medical problem, we see a doctor for it. We started with clomid and IUI (intrauterine insemination). This proved to be a poor option as clomid had the exact opposite effect on my hormones that it should have. Next, we went on to injectable medicine and IUI. We did this for 3 cycles and were obviously unsuccessful. Which brings me to where we are now—IVF (in vitro fertilization). IVF is where most Christians have the most problems. Each step of the way we have prayfully, scripturally and with godly counsel considered what is acceptable to God and what is not. If you look through the Bible for IVF, there isn’t any scripture addressing it directly so you have to look at the big issues within IVF. Believe it or not, God has a lot to say about them.
First, women/couples that are barren are the exception in the Bible. Here’s a little factoid in today’s terms for you: 1 in 5 couples struggle with infertility. That’s 20% of couples, it’s the exception. Next, all the women in the Bible who were barren, God opened their womb after lots of prayer and petition from the women themselves! How much more is God glorified in the midst of struggle?! So when a couple seeks treatment and is able to conceive, it is that much more a miracle and testimony for God!
Second, is it God’s will for us to have children? Absolutely, in fact it is both a command and a promise. Starting in Genesis 1:28, "God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number'" when talking to Adam and Eve in the garden. Of course this is before The Fall, when our bodies functioned perfectly, just as God designed them. Unfortunately, after The Fall sickness entered the picture as a result of the Enemy. So when our bodies don’t function as they should, this includes our reproductive organs, this is not of God. Luckily we serve a God who is the Great Healer! One of my favorite verses in reference to this is: "My light shall break forth like the morning and my healing (my restoration and the power of a new life) shall spring forth speedily" Isaiah 58:8 (Amplified Bible).
So what are the promises God gives us about children?
“Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span.” Exodus 23:25-26
“If you pay attention to these laws and are careful to follow them, then the Lord your God will keep his covenant of love with you as he swore to your forefathers. He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. …You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless, nor any of your livestock without young.” Deuteronomy 7:12-13,14
"The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock--the calves of your herds and lambs of your flocks." Deuteronomy 28:4
"Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table." Psalms 128:3
“He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.” Psalm 113:9
According to the scripture, we have every hope that we will have children as long as we are seeking after the Lord wholeheartedly. How generous is our God! In the midst of our struggle, we rely on what God promises. When our faith is challenged, we go back to these promises. The hardest part is not, believing the promise, but having the faith that God will fulfill it despite all the circumstances against us. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1. It is in our nature to doubt, but we combat that with the Word of God. God says this of our faith:
"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself in to the sea, and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:23-24
Now, I don’t know about you, but having babies seems a lot easier that throwing mountains in the sea! It is easy to get caught up the fertility process and feel lost. This is because it is so hard to believe that you will come out on the other side of this with a child—doubt. God says, "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind" James 1:6. As we depend on God, we believe in faith that His Word will not return empty (Isaiah 55:11). We believe God promises children, but He never promised how we will get there.
Ahh, the controversy… IVF--“Isn’t that playing God?” Now, I will tell you that I struggled with this question more than Chris did. Out of everything, this was the single question that would have stopped me from pursuing IVF. It took me a month of prayer and seeking godly counsel to get where I am now. It’s funny looking back on it now because the question in and of itself is an oxymoron. If you believe that God is in control over everything, that He truly is sovereign over all, can we really “play God”? Absolutely not! See in each step of IVF God has to will it to happen for us to be successful. God has given medical science the knowledge and technology for IVF. God has blessed our doctor with the skills to perform IVF and help us. He (the doctor) only helps us bypass some of the obstacles. Just because they put an egg and sperm in a petri dish does not mean it will fertilize, God has to do that. Just because the egg fertilizes doesn’t mean it will continue to grow, God has to do that. Just because they transfer the embryo to my uterus doesn’t mean that it will implant, God has to do that. Just because the embryo implants in my uterus doesn’t mean I will carry a child to term, God has to do that. Neither the doctor, the nurse, Chris nor I can make all of those nuances line up perfectly to have a baby. We have absolutely NO power over the outcome! It is all in God’s hands!
Lastly, there is the question of what to do with any extra embryos (this is assuming there are embryos that you choose not to transfer). This is particularly problematic for Christians. As Christians we believe that life begins at conception. God is very much pro-life so it is important not to disregard the sanctity of life. Luckily we don’t have to! IF there are embryos that we choose not to transfer, we can freeze them and transfer them at a later date. This is wonderful because if for some reason the embryos we did transfer did not take, we do not have to go through the entire process all over again. Also, if we want to have another baby in a few years, we could also transfer the embryos then. The other option is that we can freeze them and donate them to other couples who may not be able to afford the in vitro process but still want to be pregnant. It’s like a form of adoption. In neither option are we destroying the embryos or donating them to research (this would ultimately be destroying life here too). All in all, it’s a win-win situation.
With all the trouble and controversy, many people say why not just adopt? The truth is we want to do that as well. I have always had a heart to adopt a child from overseas. We do not believe it has to be either/or, why not both! Actually, our whole fertility journey started in the midst of pursuing international adoption. Okay then, why not adopt first (and maybe you’ll get pregnant)? This is really a whole other blog entry, but here’s the short version. As we started seriously pursuing adoption internationally, we found out more and more about the different countries and their requirements during the adoption procedure. As it turns out, if we were to get pregnant while trying to adopt we would forfeit a potential child and lose a lot of money in the process. Also, international adoption takes on average 1-3 years. With our fertility issues, the longer we wait the harder the process becomes. After much prayer, we decided to reverse the order in which we would start our family. We strongly believe in adoption, whether domestic or international. There is no greater display of God’s love for His children than adoption and providing a safe, loving home!
We truly believe that it is God’s plan for us to have our own children as well as adopt. We are so thankful for the support of our friends and family! We are thankful that you have chosen to keep up with us and read about our journey. Whatever your thoughts on IVF, we pray that reading this you have come to a better understanding of God, us and the fertility process. If you do not know our Lord and Savior, I pray that you will seek Him out! He is the source of all our joy! We pray blessings for each and every one of you!
First let me start out by saying that struggling with infertility is hard no matter who you are. It can rip marriages apart, cause deep depression, and make you feel alone, defective, unacceptable and somehow less human. Add to that a friends and/or family who choose to criticize the path you choose to take (I believe mostly because they are uneducated), and it can be extremely hurtful. Fortunately for us, our families and the majority of our friends have been very supportive. We are thankful for this challenge God has given us. For Chris and me, it has strengthened our marriage, by the grace of God, and grown us spiritually. Thankfully, we have the promises God on our side and the Holy Spirit to guide us!
So if this is such a huge deal, you may ask where do you stand and what have you decided to do? I will answer the latter first. We chose treatment and have been walking through this process for almost 2 years now, seeing our RE (reproductive endocrinologist) for a little over a year. God is pro-medicine—“Stop drinking only water, and use a little wine because of your stomach and your frequent illnesses”. Here wine is used as a medicine. If you were sick and needed antibiotics or surgery for an appendicitis, you would seek treatment. Our fertility treatments fall in the same category. We have a medical problem, we see a doctor for it. We started with clomid and IUI (intrauterine insemination). This proved to be a poor option as clomid had the exact opposite effect on my hormones that it should have. Next, we went on to injectable medicine and IUI. We did this for 3 cycles and were obviously unsuccessful. Which brings me to where we are now—IVF (in vitro fertilization). IVF is where most Christians have the most problems. Each step of the way we have prayfully, scripturally and with godly counsel considered what is acceptable to God and what is not. If you look through the Bible for IVF, there isn’t any scripture addressing it directly so you have to look at the big issues within IVF. Believe it or not, God has a lot to say about them.
First, women/couples that are barren are the exception in the Bible. Here’s a little factoid in today’s terms for you: 1 in 5 couples struggle with infertility. That’s 20% of couples, it’s the exception. Next, all the women in the Bible who were barren, God opened their womb after lots of prayer and petition from the women themselves! How much more is God glorified in the midst of struggle?! So when a couple seeks treatment and is able to conceive, it is that much more a miracle and testimony for God!
Second, is it God’s will for us to have children? Absolutely, in fact it is both a command and a promise. Starting in Genesis 1:28, "God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number'" when talking to Adam and Eve in the garden. Of course this is before The Fall, when our bodies functioned perfectly, just as God designed them. Unfortunately, after The Fall sickness entered the picture as a result of the Enemy. So when our bodies don’t function as they should, this includes our reproductive organs, this is not of God. Luckily we serve a God who is the Great Healer! One of my favorite verses in reference to this is: "My light shall break forth like the morning and my healing (my restoration and the power of a new life) shall spring forth speedily" Isaiah 58:8 (Amplified Bible).
So what are the promises God gives us about children?
“Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span.” Exodus 23:25-26
“If you pay attention to these laws and are careful to follow them, then the Lord your God will keep his covenant of love with you as he swore to your forefathers. He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. …You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless, nor any of your livestock without young.” Deuteronomy 7:12-13,14
"The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock--the calves of your herds and lambs of your flocks." Deuteronomy 28:4
"Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table." Psalms 128:3
“He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.” Psalm 113:9
According to the scripture, we have every hope that we will have children as long as we are seeking after the Lord wholeheartedly. How generous is our God! In the midst of our struggle, we rely on what God promises. When our faith is challenged, we go back to these promises. The hardest part is not, believing the promise, but having the faith that God will fulfill it despite all the circumstances against us. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1. It is in our nature to doubt, but we combat that with the Word of God. God says this of our faith:
"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself in to the sea, and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:23-24
Now, I don’t know about you, but having babies seems a lot easier that throwing mountains in the sea! It is easy to get caught up the fertility process and feel lost. This is because it is so hard to believe that you will come out on the other side of this with a child—doubt. God says, "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind" James 1:6. As we depend on God, we believe in faith that His Word will not return empty (Isaiah 55:11). We believe God promises children, but He never promised how we will get there.
Ahh, the controversy… IVF--“Isn’t that playing God?” Now, I will tell you that I struggled with this question more than Chris did. Out of everything, this was the single question that would have stopped me from pursuing IVF. It took me a month of prayer and seeking godly counsel to get where I am now. It’s funny looking back on it now because the question in and of itself is an oxymoron. If you believe that God is in control over everything, that He truly is sovereign over all, can we really “play God”? Absolutely not! See in each step of IVF God has to will it to happen for us to be successful. God has given medical science the knowledge and technology for IVF. God has blessed our doctor with the skills to perform IVF and help us. He (the doctor) only helps us bypass some of the obstacles. Just because they put an egg and sperm in a petri dish does not mean it will fertilize, God has to do that. Just because the egg fertilizes doesn’t mean it will continue to grow, God has to do that. Just because they transfer the embryo to my uterus doesn’t mean that it will implant, God has to do that. Just because the embryo implants in my uterus doesn’t mean I will carry a child to term, God has to do that. Neither the doctor, the nurse, Chris nor I can make all of those nuances line up perfectly to have a baby. We have absolutely NO power over the outcome! It is all in God’s hands!
Lastly, there is the question of what to do with any extra embryos (this is assuming there are embryos that you choose not to transfer). This is particularly problematic for Christians. As Christians we believe that life begins at conception. God is very much pro-life so it is important not to disregard the sanctity of life. Luckily we don’t have to! IF there are embryos that we choose not to transfer, we can freeze them and transfer them at a later date. This is wonderful because if for some reason the embryos we did transfer did not take, we do not have to go through the entire process all over again. Also, if we want to have another baby in a few years, we could also transfer the embryos then. The other option is that we can freeze them and donate them to other couples who may not be able to afford the in vitro process but still want to be pregnant. It’s like a form of adoption. In neither option are we destroying the embryos or donating them to research (this would ultimately be destroying life here too). All in all, it’s a win-win situation.
With all the trouble and controversy, many people say why not just adopt? The truth is we want to do that as well. I have always had a heart to adopt a child from overseas. We do not believe it has to be either/or, why not both! Actually, our whole fertility journey started in the midst of pursuing international adoption. Okay then, why not adopt first (and maybe you’ll get pregnant)? This is really a whole other blog entry, but here’s the short version. As we started seriously pursuing adoption internationally, we found out more and more about the different countries and their requirements during the adoption procedure. As it turns out, if we were to get pregnant while trying to adopt we would forfeit a potential child and lose a lot of money in the process. Also, international adoption takes on average 1-3 years. With our fertility issues, the longer we wait the harder the process becomes. After much prayer, we decided to reverse the order in which we would start our family. We strongly believe in adoption, whether domestic or international. There is no greater display of God’s love for His children than adoption and providing a safe, loving home!
We truly believe that it is God’s plan for us to have our own children as well as adopt. We are so thankful for the support of our friends and family! We are thankful that you have chosen to keep up with us and read about our journey. Whatever your thoughts on IVF, we pray that reading this you have come to a better understanding of God, us and the fertility process. If you do not know our Lord and Savior, I pray that you will seek Him out! He is the source of all our joy! We pray blessings for each and every one of you!
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