Well, as I said yesterday, I'm mad and confused. There are lots of things I don't understand. One of the biggest questions is: why would God tell us to do something He knows is bound for failure and heartbreak? What I mean is, after the last IVF cycle, Chris and I took time to really pray and think about what was next. We had no alternate agenda, we didn't even know at that point what we individually wanted. We both, separately and independently of one another, got the same answer from the Lord. We both felt led to pursue IVF again. Why in the world would He tell us to do that knowing the outcome? Have I considered the possiblity that we were wrong? Absolutely. But I would think if that were the case, at least one of us would have gotten a different answer in February. What exactly is the lesson here? To be mad at God? Cause that's pretty much all I've gotten right now. Right or wrong, that's how I feel. [Now let me also say, that does not mean I have abandoned faith or God. I'm just mad at Him right now. Have you ever been mad at a friend? Doesn't mean you abandon the friendship.]
I also question whether or not we need a second opinion from a different RE. But truthfully, I don't believe it has anything to do with his expertise. I have full confidence in Dr.Wilshire and his staff. The truth is that if God wanted us pregnant right now, we would be, no matter who the doctor was/is. So I refer you back to the above paragraph.
I'm mad that there are 15 year old kids out there getting into all kinds of trouble, sleeping with multiple partners, getting pregnant. I'm mad that 50% of couples are getting divorced and they can get pregnant. I'm just mad. We are a God fearing, committed couple who wants to raise our child in fear of the Lord, in the church. What exactly is wrong with us? Where did we go wrong? I'm not saying that we are necessarily better than anyone else, God knows that we have our faults. But why are we enduring this? If I just knew the reason, maybe then I could stomach this better. As it stands I may never know this side of heaven.
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4 comments:
I felt mad about the same things with my miscarriages. I was so angry that God allows children to be born into homes that are abusive and unloving.
I was (and still harbor some anger) for about 5 months. My head hurt from having a scowl! One day I read this book about miscarriage and relationships with God and it said something along the lines of forgiving God. Does God do anything that needs forgiveness, well... no... but in our human nature, one way to let go of anger is to forgive. The book suggested writing a note of forgiveness in a balloon and letting it go. I thought that was a stupid idea. But, the idea that I was allowed to be mad at God and that the reason why I felt so angry all the time was because I was holding onto the anger was really something. I think I progressively let some of the anger go - and now a year after reading that book - I can finally sing the song from church "You give and take away, but heart will say Blessed is your Name"...
It is good that God allows us a way to express our emotions and have conversations with him.
It really sucks that the outcome was not positive. I can tell how badly you wanted this to work. I am sorry for your loss.
I am so terribly sad about what you're going through. I do know that throughout the Bible, God intentionally led some of the godliest people through terrible hardships. And in the end, he was glorified through their lives and their examples of faith in Him. I know that will also be the case for you guys, but on a personal/friend level, I don't want to see you hurting. I'm continuing to pray for you two.
I know that these verses may not give comfort. But maybe they will give strength, If not now maybe later.
Habakkuk 3:17-19
Psalm 109
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzEIT3QbV7Q
You may need to copy to your search window to view
All our love
Jeff and Angela
I'm not certain that I can say anything productive that would ease your pain. But I want you to know that if I were there with you, I would be giving you the biggest heart felt hug a person could possibly give.
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