"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8
Well, we are trying to move forward after our disappointment. I cannot say that I am not angry or confused. Because I am. I do not understand why we are where we are right now. I do not understand why God did not bless us with a pregnancy. What about His promises? What about the scripture that we prayed? What exactly does it mean? Did we pray/use it wrong? I don't have the answers. I'm searching for understanding and so far I have not gotten past my front door.
I know that there is a reason. I know that God is faithful. However, I must say that right now, it doesn't FEEL like it. I ask myself sometimes, how can you possibly question God...He is God. The truth is that He is big enough to handle it. Just like any other friend that we have, you have disagreements, you get mad at them, you don't understand them, and eventually you have to deal with that. I figure my God is big enough to handle my questions. I am human, and God will have to help me get through this anger and frustration. This, by no means, is a loss of faith. Quite the contrary, this is faith building. It just sucks.
I was reading Job this morning and it reminded me that there was someone that cried out in anger against God and lived. He got set straight in the end, but nonetheless, he lived and he was blessed abundantly for it.
My thoughts on some of the scripture that we were relying on.... First, I still believe that God will bless us with children of our own. He never gives a timeline on that one. Next, and the more difficult one for me, is the scripture that stated that none will miscarry. To me, I feel like what happened, in essence, was a miscarriage. We put those little embies in there, but nothing. So how do you reconcile that scripture promise? Does God see it differently than we do? Does God say that it's not a miscarriage if the embryo never implanted? I don't know. Beyond that, we have Christian friends, truly followers of the Lord, who have miscarried. How does that fit in? The beginning of that scripture starts out with "Worship the Lord", so does it mean that there is an area of our lives where we are not worshipping the Lord and that is the reason? If so, then where is grace in the midst of all this? If nothing else, I'm sure I know that God's grace is a promise for everyone. I just have a lot of questions that I cannot answer. God is going to have to pick up the tab on these. In the meantime, the scripture that keeps playing over and over in my mind is the one that I posted at the top of the page--"my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways". For now, that's all I have.
Stand in the Rain by Superchick
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why
but she knows that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2naYghOqM0s
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4 comments:
Thank you for being so honest. I think, no, I know, that God desires honesty, not fake-ness, and I know He is pleased with your searching instead of giving up. I wish I had answers, and in fact, I have many of the same questions, as we've been through similar ups and downs (however, I don't mean to belittle your situation at all--I have no idea how hard this must be for you). I long for the day when we'll meet God, stand in his presence by Christ's grace, and go, "OH! I see!!!! That's what you were doing!!!!" :) So, maybe it won't quite work like that, but hopefully you get my drift. We love you and wish we could be there to hug you guys.
---Nate and Stef
Stef is so good with words of comfort. I have been praying for you guys, and just don't know what to say or do to make this process easier. I love how honest you are being about your recent conversations with God. Thank you for your story and setting such an amazing example for me.
Em
Nothing seems less fair than for those who I believe would be great parents like you to be deprived of children and others who are too often negligent with their children having more! Yet, I also know that God is most clearly needed when we are most dependant - not in control. My heart grieves with you and I can only join you in wonder. You are correct that God knows best and one day this will all make some sense - but for now please let Mary and I share your disappointment and let us support you completely on your next step toward your desire to love a child.
Amy and Chris, we are so sorry about what you're going through, and we're praying for you.
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