Coping

Well, I know it's been several days since I posted. I guess, I have felt that I don't have much new to say. While the initial sting of the no pregnancy news has to some degree worn off, the ache is still there. How long does it last? Not that I expected that we would be over it in a week, but I do find myself wondering just how long does your heart ache?

For the most part I have been much better. I am able to talk about the experience and share our disappointing news without bursting into tears now. But I do find myself randomly sad and tearful still. I still have a lot of the same questions I did last week. I still haven't gotten past my front door with answers to those questions. I still am waiting on God to reveal the answer to why.

Chris ordered some books for us to read on coping and walking through infertility, miscarriage and loss. (I began reading one of them today called Hannah's Hope.) I am so thankful for his willingness to share his feelings with me and to walk through it with me rather than shutting down. I know that I am hurting, and likewise, so is he. It is definitely a different perspective to understand, the guy perspective on it. So just as everyone has been encouraging to me and asking how I am doing, I encourage you to do the same for him as well.

I would have to say, that I have become thankful that we have not endured more than what we have. I have encountered couples that have been through double the cycles of disappointment that we have and countless unsuccessful in vitro attempts. The book that I mentioned earlier, the author suffered 5 miscarriages, a dozen failed adoptions, and 12 years of infertility with multiple surgeries. So I can be thankful that I have not endured that kind of sorrow. I cannot imagine how to heal a heart that broken. Yet somehow God provides. And I know that God will provide whatever strength we need in abundance, even when it doesn't feel like it. In addition, it is providing opportunities to encourage others walking through the same trials. No matter who you are, in what situation, it is always encouraging to know that you are not alone. If we can reach out to others and let them know they are not alone, that is a gift and a blessing.

Many of you have asked: What now, what next? The answer is that we have no idea. It is hard to imagine going through (mostly the disappointment of) in vitro again, although both of us have said we would do it again. Do we go on to adoption now? I don't know. I find this question right now particularly difficult to think about. The possiblity of another failed attempt at anything is more than my heart can bear. So where do go from here? The desire for children is definitely still there, yet facing loss again is impossible to think about. Whatever the decision, it is at least a few months off.