Hello everyone! Well, we are headed to Nashville this weekend to see my family for Christmas! I'm super excited as I have not been home for the holidays in 2 years! A lot has changed that 2 years and it will just be good to be home. I'm also looking forward to seeing some old and dear friends. I'm planning to see my best friend from high school, Tara, and a close college friend, Anna. I miss them and can't wait to catch up!
Also, I wanted to take this time to thank everyone for their love and support these last couple of months. Even though it did not turn out as we had hoped, we know that God has a reason. Your encouragement and just knowing that you're reading and praying with us is so precious. It is a wonderful reminder that God created us to live in community just for times like these. It is through friends and family that we have a tangible look into the heart of God and the way He wants to love us. You are His hands and feet to us, He comforts us through you. You are a constant reminder that He IS still there and walking through this with us.
May you have a very Merry Christmas this year!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Partners in Burden
As many of you know from my recent post, I have been reading a book called Hannah's Hope. It (she) is extremely honest about the journey of infertility. She has not sugarcoated her feelings to make them look pretty or more "godly". I am really appreciating that right now. I struggle with the desire to be honest with God about where I'm at emotionally and fear of "messing up" (I don't exactly know how to explain it) in my walk with God. For lack of a better way to put it, I don't want to offend and piss Him off. (LOL, I know it's not really possible in my head, but the heart is another issue.)
Anyway, in the book she has a section called "Burden Bearers". This is for people reading the book in effort to support a friend or family member facing infertility, miscarriage or adoption loss. Reading them is interesting.... I don't always agree with everything put in there, I find some of it to be more an issue of being overly sensitive. But today, one of the chapters really hit home for me. I wanted to share it with you. However, I want to preface it by saying: please know if you have said or done anything written in this, there is grace from us. We realize you too are in a difficult situation--you have no idea what to say to us. We are not upset with anyone and are over anything you might have said to us in effort to find words of comfort for us. Please do not take it personally! Anyway, so here it is, Chp. 10 Burden Bearers:
It goes on a little bit about opinions, but I felt it worded a little harshly and take the liberty of stopping here. Again I pray you do not read in any bitterness and that you are not made selfconscious of previous statements. I actually chuckled as I was reading this. People, especially acquaintances,have a tendancy to say these in effort to help and we know that. I just thought it was funny that others face this besides us and I thought it was worded well and clearly. I hope that you can have a giggle with me!
Anyway, in the book she has a section called "Burden Bearers". This is for people reading the book in effort to support a friend or family member facing infertility, miscarriage or adoption loss. Reading them is interesting.... I don't always agree with everything put in there, I find some of it to be more an issue of being overly sensitive. But today, one of the chapters really hit home for me. I wanted to share it with you. However, I want to preface it by saying: please know if you have said or done anything written in this, there is grace from us. We realize you too are in a difficult situation--you have no idea what to say to us. We are not upset with anyone and are over anything you might have said to us in effort to find words of comfort for us. Please do not take it personally! Anyway, so here it is, Chp. 10 Burden Bearers:
"Most fertility-related issues are medical problems, often entailing many complex issues. Infertility causes stress, but it is extremely rare for stress to be the sole cause of infertility. "Relaxing" will not cure endometriosis, open blocked fallopian tubes,enable deformed sperm to fertilize an egg, compensate for hormonal imbalances linked to recurrent miscarriage, or change my odds of carrying a child with genetic defects.
Don't suggest that my infertility will be resolved if I "just adopt." Adoption may (or may not) be a part of God's plans for us, but both infertility and adoption are issues we need to work through one step at a time. A healthy period of grieving for the biological child we may never have may be needed before we are ready to even consider adoption. And while I'm sure you know someone who adopted and then got pregnant, statistically, adoption does not increase my chances of future pregnancy.
Please do not offer advice unless I ask you for it. I have probably already heard about (and tried) boxer shorts, vacation, and sexual techniques to improve our chances of conception."
It goes on a little bit about opinions, but I felt it worded a little harshly and take the liberty of stopping here. Again I pray you do not read in any bitterness and that you are not made selfconscious of previous statements. I actually chuckled as I was reading this. People, especially acquaintances,have a tendancy to say these in effort to help and we know that. I just thought it was funny that others face this besides us and I thought it was worded well and clearly. I hope that you can have a giggle with me!
Wii are dangerous!
Well, Chris and I decided, actually he decided because I wouldn't, that we would get a Wii for Christmas. It is supposed to be a gift to each other. I must admit I have been wanting one for a while. But we're grown adults, we don't play video games anymore and we definitely have better things to do with our time. Yeah, right... I LOVE IT! And Chris won't admit it but he does too!
The problem with the Wii is that you can spend hours on end playing it. Also you wake up the next morning wondering why you are so sore. Last night, I got home from work and I bowled, played pool, golfed, super mario bros it up old school style, played Tetris, and tried some baseball. Man does that not just sound exhausting?! By the way, bowling is much harder on the Wii than in real life. I mean who puts obstacles in the middle of the lanes, really. No, but it is super fun. I'm sure if you were walking by my window last night watching me swing imaginery golf clubs and throwing bowling balls, I just looked like a complete freak. I had so much fun though.
All in all I'd say it was a fabulous Christmas gift to each other! Hope all of you guys are having fun, looking forward to time with your family, got your shopping done, and are remembering the true reason for the season! Merry CHRISTmas!
The problem with the Wii is that you can spend hours on end playing it. Also you wake up the next morning wondering why you are so sore. Last night, I got home from work and I bowled, played pool, golfed, super mario bros it up old school style, played Tetris, and tried some baseball. Man does that not just sound exhausting?! By the way, bowling is much harder on the Wii than in real life. I mean who puts obstacles in the middle of the lanes, really. No, but it is super fun. I'm sure if you were walking by my window last night watching me swing imaginery golf clubs and throwing bowling balls, I just looked like a complete freak. I had so much fun though.
All in all I'd say it was a fabulous Christmas gift to each other! Hope all of you guys are having fun, looking forward to time with your family, got your shopping done, and are remembering the true reason for the season! Merry CHRISTmas!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Coping
Well, I know it's been several days since I posted. I guess, I have felt that I don't have much new to say. While the initial sting of the no pregnancy news has to some degree worn off, the ache is still there. How long does it last? Not that I expected that we would be over it in a week, but I do find myself wondering just how long does your heart ache?
For the most part I have been much better. I am able to talk about the experience and share our disappointing news without bursting into tears now. But I do find myself randomly sad and tearful still. I still have a lot of the same questions I did last week. I still haven't gotten past my front door with answers to those questions. I still am waiting on God to reveal the answer to why.
Chris ordered some books for us to read on coping and walking through infertility, miscarriage and loss. (I began reading one of them today called Hannah's Hope.) I am so thankful for his willingness to share his feelings with me and to walk through it with me rather than shutting down. I know that I am hurting, and likewise, so is he. It is definitely a different perspective to understand, the guy perspective on it. So just as everyone has been encouraging to me and asking how I am doing, I encourage you to do the same for him as well.
I would have to say, that I have become thankful that we have not endured more than what we have. I have encountered couples that have been through double the cycles of disappointment that we have and countless unsuccessful in vitro attempts. The book that I mentioned earlier, the author suffered 5 miscarriages, a dozen failed adoptions, and 12 years of infertility with multiple surgeries. So I can be thankful that I have not endured that kind of sorrow. I cannot imagine how to heal a heart that broken. Yet somehow God provides. And I know that God will provide whatever strength we need in abundance, even when it doesn't feel like it. In addition, it is providing opportunities to encourage others walking through the same trials. No matter who you are, in what situation, it is always encouraging to know that you are not alone. If we can reach out to others and let them know they are not alone, that is a gift and a blessing.
Many of you have asked: What now, what next? The answer is that we have no idea. It is hard to imagine going through (mostly the disappointment of) in vitro again, although both of us have said we would do it again. Do we go on to adoption now? I don't know. I find this question right now particularly difficult to think about. The possiblity of another failed attempt at anything is more than my heart can bear. So where do go from here? The desire for children is definitely still there, yet facing loss again is impossible to think about. Whatever the decision, it is at least a few months off.
For the most part I have been much better. I am able to talk about the experience and share our disappointing news without bursting into tears now. But I do find myself randomly sad and tearful still. I still have a lot of the same questions I did last week. I still haven't gotten past my front door with answers to those questions. I still am waiting on God to reveal the answer to why.
Chris ordered some books for us to read on coping and walking through infertility, miscarriage and loss. (I began reading one of them today called Hannah's Hope.) I am so thankful for his willingness to share his feelings with me and to walk through it with me rather than shutting down. I know that I am hurting, and likewise, so is he. It is definitely a different perspective to understand, the guy perspective on it. So just as everyone has been encouraging to me and asking how I am doing, I encourage you to do the same for him as well.
I would have to say, that I have become thankful that we have not endured more than what we have. I have encountered couples that have been through double the cycles of disappointment that we have and countless unsuccessful in vitro attempts. The book that I mentioned earlier, the author suffered 5 miscarriages, a dozen failed adoptions, and 12 years of infertility with multiple surgeries. So I can be thankful that I have not endured that kind of sorrow. I cannot imagine how to heal a heart that broken. Yet somehow God provides. And I know that God will provide whatever strength we need in abundance, even when it doesn't feel like it. In addition, it is providing opportunities to encourage others walking through the same trials. No matter who you are, in what situation, it is always encouraging to know that you are not alone. If we can reach out to others and let them know they are not alone, that is a gift and a blessing.
Many of you have asked: What now, what next? The answer is that we have no idea. It is hard to imagine going through (mostly the disappointment of) in vitro again, although both of us have said we would do it again. Do we go on to adoption now? I don't know. I find this question right now particularly difficult to think about. The possiblity of another failed attempt at anything is more than my heart can bear. So where do go from here? The desire for children is definitely still there, yet facing loss again is impossible to think about. Whatever the decision, it is at least a few months off.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Shaving Tip
This past weekend Amy and I went to St. Louis to do some shopping and at one of the malls we ran across this store called The Art of Shaving. It was a really cool store! They are dedicated to a very good shave. They have old time shaving products like the straight razor, the safety razor(invented in 1901), and the creams and brushes and stuff like that. Its like a specialty Pen store, the razors were like $150 and up. Well, about a year ago I found an old fashioned safety razor in my grandparents new house they were moving into and thought it was neat and kept it. I became very interested in shaving with it after being at this store, so on my way home tonight I stopped and picked up some new blades. I got home from a long day, hopped in the shower and went ahead and shaved with it. I was getting this amazing smooth feel I'd not had before, it was feeling great, then I decided to look in the mirror. HOLY COW, I looked like I should have been in some scary film with my face all cut up. There was a reason I was getting a smooth shave, it was taking every thing off my face!!! Well thankfully when I was at the store I bought a styptic pen in case I was to nick myself, really didn't think I would need it. So I grabbed it and started putting some on my face, well, I was really just rubbing the whole thing all over my face as fast as I could, oh my, that burnt like crazy!! The shave didn't hurt at all, that styptic pen, not using that again. Well, it didn't work, apparently it's only for nicks, not when your face is cut off. Sorry for the bloody towel honey. So, for all the men that want a close shave, go to a professional barber if you want this experience otherwise just stick with the Gillette Fusion. Also visit http://www.theartofshaving.com/ and buy your hubby something cool for christmas(just not a safety razor)!!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Walking through Pain
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8
Well, we are trying to move forward after our disappointment. I cannot say that I am not angry or confused. Because I am. I do not understand why we are where we are right now. I do not understand why God did not bless us with a pregnancy. What about His promises? What about the scripture that we prayed? What exactly does it mean? Did we pray/use it wrong? I don't have the answers. I'm searching for understanding and so far I have not gotten past my front door.
I know that there is a reason. I know that God is faithful. However, I must say that right now, it doesn't FEEL like it. I ask myself sometimes, how can you possibly question God...He is God. The truth is that He is big enough to handle it. Just like any other friend that we have, you have disagreements, you get mad at them, you don't understand them, and eventually you have to deal with that. I figure my God is big enough to handle my questions. I am human, and God will have to help me get through this anger and frustration. This, by no means, is a loss of faith. Quite the contrary, this is faith building. It just sucks.
I was reading Job this morning and it reminded me that there was someone that cried out in anger against God and lived. He got set straight in the end, but nonetheless, he lived and he was blessed abundantly for it.
My thoughts on some of the scripture that we were relying on.... First, I still believe that God will bless us with children of our own. He never gives a timeline on that one. Next, and the more difficult one for me, is the scripture that stated that none will miscarry. To me, I feel like what happened, in essence, was a miscarriage. We put those little embies in there, but nothing. So how do you reconcile that scripture promise? Does God see it differently than we do? Does God say that it's not a miscarriage if the embryo never implanted? I don't know. Beyond that, we have Christian friends, truly followers of the Lord, who have miscarried. How does that fit in? The beginning of that scripture starts out with "Worship the Lord", so does it mean that there is an area of our lives where we are not worshipping the Lord and that is the reason? If so, then where is grace in the midst of all this? If nothing else, I'm sure I know that God's grace is a promise for everyone. I just have a lot of questions that I cannot answer. God is going to have to pick up the tab on these. In the meantime, the scripture that keeps playing over and over in my mind is the one that I posted at the top of the page--"my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways". For now, that's all I have.
Stand in the Rain by Superchick
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why
but she knows that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2naYghOqM0s
Well, we are trying to move forward after our disappointment. I cannot say that I am not angry or confused. Because I am. I do not understand why we are where we are right now. I do not understand why God did not bless us with a pregnancy. What about His promises? What about the scripture that we prayed? What exactly does it mean? Did we pray/use it wrong? I don't have the answers. I'm searching for understanding and so far I have not gotten past my front door.
I know that there is a reason. I know that God is faithful. However, I must say that right now, it doesn't FEEL like it. I ask myself sometimes, how can you possibly question God...He is God. The truth is that He is big enough to handle it. Just like any other friend that we have, you have disagreements, you get mad at them, you don't understand them, and eventually you have to deal with that. I figure my God is big enough to handle my questions. I am human, and God will have to help me get through this anger and frustration. This, by no means, is a loss of faith. Quite the contrary, this is faith building. It just sucks.
I was reading Job this morning and it reminded me that there was someone that cried out in anger against God and lived. He got set straight in the end, but nonetheless, he lived and he was blessed abundantly for it.
My thoughts on some of the scripture that we were relying on.... First, I still believe that God will bless us with children of our own. He never gives a timeline on that one. Next, and the more difficult one for me, is the scripture that stated that none will miscarry. To me, I feel like what happened, in essence, was a miscarriage. We put those little embies in there, but nothing. So how do you reconcile that scripture promise? Does God see it differently than we do? Does God say that it's not a miscarriage if the embryo never implanted? I don't know. Beyond that, we have Christian friends, truly followers of the Lord, who have miscarried. How does that fit in? The beginning of that scripture starts out with "Worship the Lord", so does it mean that there is an area of our lives where we are not worshipping the Lord and that is the reason? If so, then where is grace in the midst of all this? If nothing else, I'm sure I know that God's grace is a promise for everyone. I just have a lot of questions that I cannot answer. God is going to have to pick up the tab on these. In the meantime, the scripture that keeps playing over and over in my mind is the one that I posted at the top of the page--"my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways". For now, that's all I have.
Stand in the Rain by Superchick
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why
but she knows that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2naYghOqM0s
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Continue to check in
Hello all.... I wanted to let you know that I/we will be continuing to post to our blog. We are processing and doing better. I just wanted to let you all know, that even though this is a difficult time, we will continue to keep you updated. Also, I think it's important for you all to be a part of our healing after this cycle. So, my posts may not always be roses, but I will be writing--it's healing for me. Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Results
Well, the pregnancy test was negative this morning. We are sad and brokenhearted. What else to say?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuberville Fired...BAD IDEA!
Well, I don't know if you have heard. I just found out myself that Auburn fired head coach Tommy Tuberville. Now, for those of you who don't really watch Auburn football and only ask me about it to be polite, this is BAD! I realize we had a bad, no horrible and horrendous season. That does not change the fact that he IS a good coach.
He did a lot for our team at Auburn including leading us to an undefeated 13-0 season. We had 6 straight wins against Alabama. Not to mention this is the first losing season of his 10 year tenure at AU. His record speaks for itself. Not to mention that from an academic and discipline standpoint, he was a strict guy. He kept our guys in line. Unfortunately, in SEC football the only season that counts is this season. It's a tough conference and the coaching carousel goes round and round. I believe this stupid mistake will cost Auburn several bad seasons to come.
To those idiots at Auburn who made the decision to fire him, I look forward to saying I told you so. See some other program is now going to snatch him up, and go on to a national championship. I'm sure of it. Then what will they be saying?! Oh, I'm so mad I could just boycott AU football. Only, I won't. As much as I am frustrated about this, it is my alma mater. I love Auburn, and I love the Auburn Tigers! I look forward to better times and remember all the wonderful friends and memories I have from there. That is what makes Auburn special!
He did a lot for our team at Auburn including leading us to an undefeated 13-0 season. We had 6 straight wins against Alabama. Not to mention this is the first losing season of his 10 year tenure at AU. His record speaks for itself. Not to mention that from an academic and discipline standpoint, he was a strict guy. He kept our guys in line. Unfortunately, in SEC football the only season that counts is this season. It's a tough conference and the coaching carousel goes round and round. I believe this stupid mistake will cost Auburn several bad seasons to come.
To those idiots at Auburn who made the decision to fire him, I look forward to saying I told you so. See some other program is now going to snatch him up, and go on to a national championship. I'm sure of it. Then what will they be saying?! Oh, I'm so mad I could just boycott AU football. Only, I won't. As much as I am frustrated about this, it is my alma mater. I love Auburn, and I love the Auburn Tigers! I look forward to better times and remember all the wonderful friends and memories I have from there. That is what makes Auburn special!
The Last 24 Hours
Well here we are, the last 24 hours before our pregnancy test. Man am I nervous! I don't know how you're supposed to feel now if you are pregnant, but I know I don't feel much different than I did last week. What does that mean? Does it mean I'm not pregnant? Does it mean it's just too early to have pregnancy symptoms? Am I just going to be lucky and not have morning sickness even though I am pregnant? Ahhh.....this is just crazy!
I've been working the last 2 days and I am thankful that I've had something to make the day go by and keep my mind off of things. Well, not completely off of it, but not obsessing anyway. Today is another story. I'm at home today, Chris is at work. All I want to do is cheat and take a test. I know I can't and it's a bad idea though. How in the world will this day ever end!!!
I've been working the last 2 days and I am thankful that I've had something to make the day go by and keep my mind off of things. Well, not completely off of it, but not obsessing anyway. Today is another story. I'm at home today, Chris is at work. All I want to do is cheat and take a test. I know I can't and it's a bad idea though. How in the world will this day ever end!!!
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