Well, it's official now.... We are going to Hawaii for our 5th year anniversary!!!!!!! I'm sooo excited about this! For those of you who don't know our anniversary history, this is particularly special to me. Let me explain....
1 year anniversary -- we moved to our....car. No lie, on our anniversary day we moved from Denver for Chris's new job to start in Springfield, MO. Only he had 8 weeks of training to do in Mississippi, so we moved into our car for 2 weeks while visiting family and traveling cross country. Then we moved into a hotel in Mississippi with our dogs. Then we finally moved to the rental house in Springfield, MO...3 months later.
2 year anniversary -- McAlisters Deli owners conference in Philadelphia, MS. Yeah, you're asking where is that...exactly!
3 year anniversary -- Stayed home, bought a grill.
4 year anniversary -- Hmmm...not even sure. Trying for babies, no money. I think Chris was outta town...at a McAlister's conference.
We've always celebrated NOT on our anniversary and doing something else for someone else. So we are going to be on a cruise in Hawaii on our actual anniversary! I'm so pumped! Plus we are going because I made Chris promise when we first got married that he would take me to Hawaii before we had kids.
So it's time... and we're going baby!!! He booked the cruise and flight yesterday. No turning back now! Not thinking about anything else but beaches, waterfalls, volcanoes, great food and having fun! We will be gone about 9-10 days. We leave 9/18 the cruise starts on the 19th and goes through the 26th, then we will be back home the 27th. Our acutal anniversary, by the way, is September 25th. This will be one to remember for sure and the last big trip for a while I'm sure. Can't wait!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Trip Around the World
Well, we are still here trucking along in Columbia. We have not really done anything else with baby stuff, or really talked about it much more. Chris thinks we should just sell the house and travel the world for 3 months. That's his solution to not being pregnant. In all seriousness though, to me the next logical step is frozen embryo transfer (we have 2 from our last cycle). Chris asked me why I thought that was the next logical step....and you know, I didn't really have a good answer. My only thoughts were, well we have them, and I don't want them to just stay frozen while we're not pregnant. I suppose he is right though, that's not a reason to do it. We truly need to pray and see if that is what God wants us to do. At any rate, I guess the positive of the situation is that I can jet ski this summer.
Life outside of baby talk.... I have been working alot lately, or at least it seems that way. I'm also training a new nurse at work. I enjoy teaching so it's a nice change of pace at work. We are going this week/weekend down to Joplin to see Chris' family, his brother and sister-in-law and kids are in town from North Carolina. So that should be fun. We are also thinking about what we want to do for our 5 year anniversary this year. We'd like to take a big trip, but not sure where. Outside of that, we are just hanging out. Hope everyone is well. Blessings--The Earharts
Life outside of baby talk.... I have been working alot lately, or at least it seems that way. I'm also training a new nurse at work. I enjoy teaching so it's a nice change of pace at work. We are going this week/weekend down to Joplin to see Chris' family, his brother and sister-in-law and kids are in town from North Carolina. So that should be fun. We are also thinking about what we want to do for our 5 year anniversary this year. We'd like to take a big trip, but not sure where. Outside of that, we are just hanging out. Hope everyone is well. Blessings--The Earharts
Monday, June 1, 2009
When Your Stomach Drops
Hi everyone. We are getting along here in Columbia okay. I am still sad and disappointed, but trying my best to move on. Trying not to focus on the hurt, and trying not to be mad at God. Not saying that it's working, but I'm trying.
It's funny how when good things are said, you sometimes wonder what is wrong. Chris is in Nixa, MO til Wednesday. He left yesterday evening and it is a long 4 days here without him. McAlisters is rolling out their new menu items this week there. Normally this is not a big deal, except that there are some big changes. They installed a dishwasher, as McAlisters is going to plates and silverware rather than the disposable stuff. Also they are starting a "choose 2" menu option as well as introducing the panini. So it's a big deal and he needed to be there for training and roll out.
All that said, he's out and about tonight with some of our friends from Nixa. He text messaged me. And the bottom just dropped out of my stomach. It was a very sweet text message, but the kinda text message you don't necessarily expect unless....something is wrong. Terribly wrong.
This is what it said:
It was followed by another text message that was also sweet and encouraging about our recent journey. I, of course, immediately called him. I was worried he'd been in an accident and was really hurt or something. He answered and was perfectly safe, eating dinner with our friend Tim. Why is it that our brain automatically goes to the bad side when someone encourages you out of the blue? Strange. It's not like Chris isn't encouraging to me regularly. This is not out of character for him. But because I didn't know exactly where he was and could not lay eyes on him, I totally freaked out. It's a good reminder though, that we sometimes take for granted the best things in our life. If nothing else right now, I am thankful God has given him (Chris) to me. I'm blessed with a wonderful husband going on 5 years now. That is a lot more than some find in a lifetime. There is a lot to be thankful for!
It's funny how when good things are said, you sometimes wonder what is wrong. Chris is in Nixa, MO til Wednesday. He left yesterday evening and it is a long 4 days here without him. McAlisters is rolling out their new menu items this week there. Normally this is not a big deal, except that there are some big changes. They installed a dishwasher, as McAlisters is going to plates and silverware rather than the disposable stuff. Also they are starting a "choose 2" menu option as well as introducing the panini. So it's a big deal and he needed to be there for training and roll out.
All that said, he's out and about tonight with some of our friends from Nixa. He text messaged me. And the bottom just dropped out of my stomach. It was a very sweet text message, but the kinda text message you don't necessarily expect unless....something is wrong. Terribly wrong.
This is what it said:
"We have a great life together and don't worry about any other stuff. I love you."
It was followed by another text message that was also sweet and encouraging about our recent journey. I, of course, immediately called him. I was worried he'd been in an accident and was really hurt or something. He answered and was perfectly safe, eating dinner with our friend Tim. Why is it that our brain automatically goes to the bad side when someone encourages you out of the blue? Strange. It's not like Chris isn't encouraging to me regularly. This is not out of character for him. But because I didn't know exactly where he was and could not lay eyes on him, I totally freaked out. It's a good reminder though, that we sometimes take for granted the best things in our life. If nothing else right now, I am thankful God has given him (Chris) to me. I'm blessed with a wonderful husband going on 5 years now. That is a lot more than some find in a lifetime. There is a lot to be thankful for!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Mad and Confused
Well, as I said yesterday, I'm mad and confused. There are lots of things I don't understand. One of the biggest questions is: why would God tell us to do something He knows is bound for failure and heartbreak? What I mean is, after the last IVF cycle, Chris and I took time to really pray and think about what was next. We had no alternate agenda, we didn't even know at that point what we individually wanted. We both, separately and independently of one another, got the same answer from the Lord. We both felt led to pursue IVF again. Why in the world would He tell us to do that knowing the outcome? Have I considered the possiblity that we were wrong? Absolutely. But I would think if that were the case, at least one of us would have gotten a different answer in February. What exactly is the lesson here? To be mad at God? Cause that's pretty much all I've gotten right now. Right or wrong, that's how I feel. [Now let me also say, that does not mean I have abandoned faith or God. I'm just mad at Him right now. Have you ever been mad at a friend? Doesn't mean you abandon the friendship.]
I also question whether or not we need a second opinion from a different RE. But truthfully, I don't believe it has anything to do with his expertise. I have full confidence in Dr.Wilshire and his staff. The truth is that if God wanted us pregnant right now, we would be, no matter who the doctor was/is. So I refer you back to the above paragraph.
I'm mad that there are 15 year old kids out there getting into all kinds of trouble, sleeping with multiple partners, getting pregnant. I'm mad that 50% of couples are getting divorced and they can get pregnant. I'm just mad. We are a God fearing, committed couple who wants to raise our child in fear of the Lord, in the church. What exactly is wrong with us? Where did we go wrong? I'm not saying that we are necessarily better than anyone else, God knows that we have our faults. But why are we enduring this? If I just knew the reason, maybe then I could stomach this better. As it stands I may never know this side of heaven.
I also question whether or not we need a second opinion from a different RE. But truthfully, I don't believe it has anything to do with his expertise. I have full confidence in Dr.Wilshire and his staff. The truth is that if God wanted us pregnant right now, we would be, no matter who the doctor was/is. So I refer you back to the above paragraph.
I'm mad that there are 15 year old kids out there getting into all kinds of trouble, sleeping with multiple partners, getting pregnant. I'm mad that 50% of couples are getting divorced and they can get pregnant. I'm just mad. We are a God fearing, committed couple who wants to raise our child in fear of the Lord, in the church. What exactly is wrong with us? Where did we go wrong? I'm not saying that we are necessarily better than anyone else, God knows that we have our faults. But why are we enduring this? If I just knew the reason, maybe then I could stomach this better. As it stands I may never know this side of heaven.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The News...
Well, the news is negative again. We are not surprised. In fact, we have known for a couple of days now that it was coming. Without being graphic, my period has been trying to start since Sunday. I also took a pregnancy test on Monday, which was obviously negative. So there have already been tears. But honestly, I'm just mad and confused. More on that later. For now, this is where we are. Thanks for your prayers and support.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Here's to hoping
Hello all. I am more nervous than ever. I almost don't even want to take a test. Unfortunately, that's a double edged sword. Anyway, my point in writing is to ask for continued prayer for peace. While I know and trust that all is in God's hands and that whatever His will is, is best; I am already having a hard time thinking of the possiblity of negative news on Tuesday. I want to hope, but I find myself scarcely able. Thank you. Love and Blessings.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Peace? That Trancends Understanding?
Hello all! Well, I'm off bedrest. Thank goodness! I played more Tetris than I care to admit. I'm feeling pretty good most of the time. The past couple of days for some reason I have these moments where I completely freak out for a couple of hours. I'm so nervous to find out the outcome and want with all my heart and everything in me to be pregnant. The thought of a negative test is just too much. So I pray, well beg really, for God to bless us with pregnancy.
It's a strange feeling, the TOTAL loss of control. I know that there is absolutely nothing the doctor can do, nothing Chris can do, nothing I can do, to make it happen. Only the Lord himself has that power. And I am sitting here powerLESS, waiting to find out what God thinks about whether we get to be pregnant. So my answer... pure, unadulterated begging. I'm sure God is up there just laughing a little under his breath, but kinda smiling like "What I'm not laughing?". I can just picture it. It helps me to think He has a sense of humor. I'm just hoping it's in my favor.
Anyway, so I'm praying for that peace that transcends understanding. If you could pray that with me, I would be your best friend. I really need some peace right now. I'm trying but it can't come of my own power. I'm not capable. The waiting is just torture. Until then, I'm glad to go back to work tonight and have something else to focus on for a while. Love and Blessings.
It's a strange feeling, the TOTAL loss of control. I know that there is absolutely nothing the doctor can do, nothing Chris can do, nothing I can do, to make it happen. Only the Lord himself has that power. And I am sitting here powerLESS, waiting to find out what God thinks about whether we get to be pregnant. So my answer... pure, unadulterated begging. I'm sure God is up there just laughing a little under his breath, but kinda smiling like "What I'm not laughing?". I can just picture it. It helps me to think He has a sense of humor. I'm just hoping it's in my favor.
Anyway, so I'm praying for that peace that transcends understanding. If you could pray that with me, I would be your best friend. I really need some peace right now. I'm trying but it can't come of my own power. I'm not capable. The waiting is just torture. Until then, I'm glad to go back to work tonight and have something else to focus on for a while. Love and Blessings.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Good Phone Calls
Hey everyone! Yesterday after church, Jaime, the embryologist, called with good news! She was able to freeze 2 little blastocyst embryos!!!!! We are so pumped! It is good news on a couple of fronts. One being, we have two little guys that we can transfer at a later date if need be. Two, it is a good sign for this cycle as well. If they implanted the 2 best embryos in me, they should be growing even better than the ones left in the lab did. Since the ones in the lab continued to grow and become blastocysts, there is a high chance the little guys in my belly are doing the same. The sucess rates for implantation are pretty high if the embryos make it to the blastocyst stage. So this was encouraging news indeed! Of course, it is still in the hands of God, and we are ferverently praying that he will bless us with a child this time!!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Bedrest or Boredom?
Hello all! Well, this is one of the diversions on the agenda today. As you all know I have been on bedrest since Thursday after the transfer. Chris has been very good to me and really I cannot complain. It's kinda funny how if you don't have to be on bedrest you can really not do a whole lot and be okay with it. Maybe it's because you know that at anytime you can get up and go do whatever you want. However, when you are forced to do nothing, how quickly the boredom sets in.
Let's see, a list of my diversions so far.... Well, Chris rented a whole bunch of movies which I have tried to spread out to make them last. We started with Kung Fu Panda, a nice animated funny flick, glad we rented it instead of saw it in the theatre. Next was Frost/Nixon--very good, made me wish I actually remembered what I learned in history class about Watergate. Then, the next morning, I began with an old favorite, Pride and Prejudice. I really could watch that one a million more times! Today I watched Hotel for Dogs--cute little flick. I've also played a lot of Tetris on the Wii as well as Galaga. The classics, you gotta love 'em. No Guitar Hero though as I prefer to stand to play the guitar. I have also played alot of spades online. I love spades and it can entertain me for several hours if need be. Of course, there's the usual email and facebook. Oh yeah, I watched Chris clean this morning! Exciting isn't it?! Just a few more days to go.
Dr.Wilshire said I can go to church tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that outing and seeing PEOPLE!! My dogs are great company, but you do get a little stir crazy for other human contact. I've had lots of time to practice that whole pray without ceasing thing too. Just tossing up little ones here and there throughout the day.
Tomorrow sometime we should hear from Jaime, the embryologist, about or remaining embryos and whether or not any will be able to be frozen. Otherwise, we are still waiting and trying not to think about how far away 10 days is from now seems.
Thanks for checking in, hope I wasn't too boring! Ha Ha!
Let's see, a list of my diversions so far.... Well, Chris rented a whole bunch of movies which I have tried to spread out to make them last. We started with Kung Fu Panda, a nice animated funny flick, glad we rented it instead of saw it in the theatre. Next was Frost/Nixon--very good, made me wish I actually remembered what I learned in history class about Watergate. Then, the next morning, I began with an old favorite, Pride and Prejudice. I really could watch that one a million more times! Today I watched Hotel for Dogs--cute little flick. I've also played a lot of Tetris on the Wii as well as Galaga. The classics, you gotta love 'em. No Guitar Hero though as I prefer to stand to play the guitar. I have also played alot of spades online. I love spades and it can entertain me for several hours if need be. Of course, there's the usual email and facebook. Oh yeah, I watched Chris clean this morning! Exciting isn't it?! Just a few more days to go.
Dr.Wilshire said I can go to church tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that outing and seeing PEOPLE!! My dogs are great company, but you do get a little stir crazy for other human contact. I've had lots of time to practice that whole pray without ceasing thing too. Just tossing up little ones here and there throughout the day.
Tomorrow sometime we should hear from Jaime, the embryologist, about or remaining embryos and whether or not any will be able to be frozen. Otherwise, we are still waiting and trying not to think about how far away 10 days is from now seems.
Thanks for checking in, hope I wasn't too boring! Ha Ha!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Get in My Belly!
Well, this morning was the big transfer day! At around 8:30am our little embryos got to come home (get in my belly)! We treansferred our 2 best lookin embies. One was at 9 cells and getting ready to compact down, which is on it's was to being a blastocyst (that is the stage when they implant in the uterus). The other one was a 6 cell embryo, Jaime the embryologist thought that it was in process of splitting into the 8 cell stage because of the size of the cells. Dr.Wilshire seemed to be very happy with the 2 we transferred and how the procedure went. Now it's hurry up and wait.
Our other embies will continue to grow in culture until day 5 or 6. Then Jaime will take them out of the incubator and see how they're doing and whether or not they can be freezed (meaning continuing to grow and develop). We have 2 embryos that have pretty much stopped growing that we know of and a 5 cell and another 6 cell that are still in culture. We have hope that the latter two will continue to grow and be able to be frozen!
In the meantime, here I sit on bedrest for the next 3 days at least. I had already switched my schedule around in anticipation of a Saturday transfer. So I have an extra 2 days off in addition to my 3 of bedrest. I will probably continue to stay on bedrest those additional 2 days. The embryos will continue to grow and expand in my belly the next couple of days and then implantation usually takes place on day 5 or 6. So in hopes of implantation I will stay down through day 6 or 7. Hopefully, boredom won't kick in too bad. Back to work on Wednesday of next week. I will actually return on the night shift. Strangely enough, I'm kinda glad to go back on nights that week because it is less stressful and busy. I can sit more and in general it is just a more mellow shift. (This is not to say that we don't work on night shift, we do, it's just a different pace.) I'm hoping that will also help encourage implantation and continued pregnancy. Of course, ultimately it is all in God's strong hands!
Thank you all so much for your prayers and continuing to check in with us. Your support is precious and much appreciated. I would ask mostly for the prayers for patience in this long wait to find out, 2 weeks seems like forever. And as always, pray that we are pregnant with baby Earhart!
Our other embies will continue to grow in culture until day 5 or 6. Then Jaime will take them out of the incubator and see how they're doing and whether or not they can be freezed (meaning continuing to grow and develop). We have 2 embryos that have pretty much stopped growing that we know of and a 5 cell and another 6 cell that are still in culture. We have hope that the latter two will continue to grow and be able to be frozen!
In the meantime, here I sit on bedrest for the next 3 days at least. I had already switched my schedule around in anticipation of a Saturday transfer. So I have an extra 2 days off in addition to my 3 of bedrest. I will probably continue to stay on bedrest those additional 2 days. The embryos will continue to grow and expand in my belly the next couple of days and then implantation usually takes place on day 5 or 6. So in hopes of implantation I will stay down through day 6 or 7. Hopefully, boredom won't kick in too bad. Back to work on Wednesday of next week. I will actually return on the night shift. Strangely enough, I'm kinda glad to go back on nights that week because it is less stressful and busy. I can sit more and in general it is just a more mellow shift. (This is not to say that we don't work on night shift, we do, it's just a different pace.) I'm hoping that will also help encourage implantation and continued pregnancy. Of course, ultimately it is all in God's strong hands!
Thank you all so much for your prayers and continuing to check in with us. Your support is precious and much appreciated. I would ask mostly for the prayers for patience in this long wait to find out, 2 weeks seems like forever. And as always, pray that we are pregnant with baby Earhart!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tomorrow, Tomorrow
Hey everyone! Sorry I missed posting the update yesterday. We left to go down to Springfield so Chris could get some work done in the Nixa McAlisters. He will be rolling out some new menu stuff in about 2 weeks there and needed to prepare. I went with him and met up with my dear friend, Marilyn for lunch. I also got to catch up with Laurie, she was/is a wonderful godly mentor to me, especially while I was living there. Chris' parents also drove over from Joplin to have dinner with us. So I got to do all the fun stuff, and Chris did all the work stuff, well and some fun stuff.
Anyway, 8 of our 10 eggs fertilized. That is good news, about 80%. Anything over 70% is excellent. They called again this morning to update us on where the embies are today. We had
5 - 2 cell embryos
1 - 3 cell embryo
2 - 5 cell embryos
Good, bad? I don't think it's either. Normally on day 2 you want them to be at the 4 cell stage. However, the embryologist looked at ours very early this morning and she said that the 2 cell ones may still divide into 4 cells, just that she looked at them so early that they hadn't done it yet. So nothing to worry about there.
We are doing embryo transfer tomorrow instead of day 5 this time. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, I have "thick zonas". The zona is the membrane that surrounds the egg. As the egg divides and grows, the zona should thin out so that the cells can "hatch" out to implant in the uterus. So we are going to do "assisted hatching". This is where they put a teeny, tiny slit in the zona or membrane around the egg to aid the natural hatching process and facilitate implantation. Last time I had slightly thickened zonas, but they thought it shouldn't be a problem. So this time, we're gonna try and change that and help these little guys out. Assisted hatching can only be done (at the clinic we go to) on day 3. Second, the embryologist and Dr.Wilshire think that the sooner they put them back inside me the better. They think the embies will grow better in their natural environment. Which I guess is probably true. There is alot of literature out there both for and against waiting to transfer until day 5. We have to trust in the expertise of Dr.Wilshire and the embryologist on this one. Plus, for whatever the reason was, last time didn't work. So we need to look at why and what things can we change to increase the possibility of us getting pregnant. So here we are, tomorrow is the big day! Transfer Day!
I'm feeling surprisingly fine about everything. I'm not worried, I'm not nervous, just going with the flow. It's kinda freaky though. Laurie said this was me letting go and giving it to God. I hope that is the case. This is just a completely foreign feeling. At the same time, I do know that whatever the outcome, it IS in God's hands. It will be for the best, and I have to focus in and trust in the Lord!
Please pray for a smooth, uneventful transfer. Pray for our emotions as we enter the long wait to find out whether or not we are pregnant. I will be on bedrest the next several days--pray for compliance and lack of boredom. Of course, pray that we will be preggers!!!
Blessings,
The Earharts
Anyway, 8 of our 10 eggs fertilized. That is good news, about 80%. Anything over 70% is excellent. They called again this morning to update us on where the embies are today. We had
5 - 2 cell embryos
1 - 3 cell embryo
2 - 5 cell embryos
Good, bad? I don't think it's either. Normally on day 2 you want them to be at the 4 cell stage. However, the embryologist looked at ours very early this morning and she said that the 2 cell ones may still divide into 4 cells, just that she looked at them so early that they hadn't done it yet. So nothing to worry about there.
We are doing embryo transfer tomorrow instead of day 5 this time. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, I have "thick zonas". The zona is the membrane that surrounds the egg. As the egg divides and grows, the zona should thin out so that the cells can "hatch" out to implant in the uterus. So we are going to do "assisted hatching". This is where they put a teeny, tiny slit in the zona or membrane around the egg to aid the natural hatching process and facilitate implantation. Last time I had slightly thickened zonas, but they thought it shouldn't be a problem. So this time, we're gonna try and change that and help these little guys out. Assisted hatching can only be done (at the clinic we go to) on day 3. Second, the embryologist and Dr.Wilshire think that the sooner they put them back inside me the better. They think the embies will grow better in their natural environment. Which I guess is probably true. There is alot of literature out there both for and against waiting to transfer until day 5. We have to trust in the expertise of Dr.Wilshire and the embryologist on this one. Plus, for whatever the reason was, last time didn't work. So we need to look at why and what things can we change to increase the possibility of us getting pregnant. So here we are, tomorrow is the big day! Transfer Day!
I'm feeling surprisingly fine about everything. I'm not worried, I'm not nervous, just going with the flow. It's kinda freaky though. Laurie said this was me letting go and giving it to God. I hope that is the case. This is just a completely foreign feeling. At the same time, I do know that whatever the outcome, it IS in God's hands. It will be for the best, and I have to focus in and trust in the Lord!
Please pray for a smooth, uneventful transfer. Pray for our emotions as we enter the long wait to find out whether or not we are pregnant. I will be on bedrest the next several days--pray for compliance and lack of boredom. Of course, pray that we will be preggers!!!
Blessings,
The Earharts
Monday, May 11, 2009
Retrieval Day
Good afternoon everyone! Well I'm finally awake again and hangin' here at home. Man, 5:30 am comes really freakin' early!!!! All went well. I, of course, don't remember a thing. They retrieved a couple of basketball teams today (that's 10 eggs for those of you non-sporty peeps).
We got home around 9 am. I then proceeded to nap for another 3-4 hours. I'm awake and feeling fine. A little crampy, but that's expected and the least of all the worries and pains! Now it's just the waiting game, the hardest part of all. Thank goodness that over the next few days we will get updates on the eggs (hopefully embryos tomorrow). That helps pass the time for the first few days.
Thank you for all your prayers up to now! We would love to have your continued prayers for PEACE in this time of waiting, good fertilization rates and that our embies grow, grow, grow! And as always, that the Lord will bless us with a healthy little Earhart in a couple of weeks (starting to grow for 9 months anyway, not that he/she would actually be here in a couple of weeks)! Okay I'm rambling now. Ya'll know what I mean!
We got home around 9 am. I then proceeded to nap for another 3-4 hours. I'm awake and feeling fine. A little crampy, but that's expected and the least of all the worries and pains! Now it's just the waiting game, the hardest part of all. Thank goodness that over the next few days we will get updates on the eggs (hopefully embryos tomorrow). That helps pass the time for the first few days.
Thank you for all your prayers up to now! We would love to have your continued prayers for PEACE in this time of waiting, good fertilization rates and that our embies grow, grow, grow! And as always, that the Lord will bless us with a healthy little Earhart in a couple of weeks (starting to grow for 9 months anyway, not that he/she would actually be here in a couple of weeks)! Okay I'm rambling now. Ya'll know what I mean!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Monday is Egg Retrieval Day
First off, Happy Mother's Day to all ya'll moms out there! We are so thankful for the wonderful Mom's that God has blessed us with!!!
We went back to the doctor yesterday morning, in a break where I could get away from work. Everything looked good on the ultrasound, my follicles grew ALOT in a day. It was pretty cool to see on the screen! So retrieval is Monday morning at 6am, we have to be at the office at 5:30 am. Mornings are sooooo NOT my thing, but it will be worth it. Ol' Dr.Wilshire and staff may just have to see non-makeuped, sweat pants, and a ponytail me. We should know how many eggs they were able to retrieve tomorrow. Tuesday we will start getting the daily report on how many fertilized and how they are growing. Thursday or Saturday will be embryo transfer day.
Pray for good sleep tonight, lots of eggs, a good fertilization rate, beautiful little embies that grow, grow, grow! Of course, in the end that we have a healthy little Earhart!
We went back to the doctor yesterday morning, in a break where I could get away from work. Everything looked good on the ultrasound, my follicles grew ALOT in a day. It was pretty cool to see on the screen! So retrieval is Monday morning at 6am, we have to be at the office at 5:30 am. Mornings are sooooo NOT my thing, but it will be worth it. Ol' Dr.Wilshire and staff may just have to see non-makeuped, sweat pants, and a ponytail me. We should know how many eggs they were able to retrieve tomorrow. Tuesday we will start getting the daily report on how many fertilized and how they are growing. Thursday or Saturday will be embryo transfer day.
Pray for good sleep tonight, lots of eggs, a good fertilization rate, beautiful little embies that grow, grow, grow! Of course, in the end that we have a healthy little Earhart!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Retrieval and Thoughts from my Journal
"For we do not have a hight priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just was we are--yet was without sin. Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16
"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission." Hebrews 5:7
I find it interesting that God is so intune with our lives. How amazing is it to think that He truly does want to walk right next to us?! He provides exactly what we need to hear, exactly when we need to hear it. He cares, deeply, about little ol' me.
The above verses are from our Bible Study this week. I definitely needed to hear that He, my God, sympathizes with me. As we are now getting closer to retrieval and embryo transfer, it's hard not to get fixated on what our outcome will be...Will we be pregnant? Will we have to face tough news again? Will we get to be elated to know that we finally have a little life growing and waiting to see us? I don't have the answers to these questions. God knows that it is hard for me not to know the outcome and to feel out of control. I think that is why He gave me these verses this week. How hard it must have been to face death on a cross, to know exactly what you're in for, to know that God tells you, you have to do this. He wants you to be obedient. Even when the answer wasn't what Jesus wanted. He was obedient so that I would one day get to see His glory! I can't say that my struggle here even compares to that--I definitely haven't sweat any blood! It helps me to realize my struggle in perspective. Yes it is hard, but it brings me one step closer to my Lord. It brings me one step closer to being the woman he desires of me. It is one step closer to "Well done my good and faithful servant". And I have no idea what sharing our struggle will do for others. Maybe through it, the Lord will bring someone new to His kingdom, or someone else finds comfort in the fact that they are not alone. I will try to focus in on the eternal outcome rather than this one event's outcome.
Whew, now that that's out there, here's the skinny on where we are. We went to the doctor bright and early this morning. My estradiol is still rising and looks good. The ultrasound showed 9-10 follicles. We are switching to Menopur tonight instead of Follistim. Then we go back in tomorrow to get checked again. Dr.Wilshire is predicting a Monday retrieval. I guess we'll find out tomorrow. Here's hopin' and prayin'!
"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission." Hebrews 5:7
I find it interesting that God is so intune with our lives. How amazing is it to think that He truly does want to walk right next to us?! He provides exactly what we need to hear, exactly when we need to hear it. He cares, deeply, about little ol' me.
The above verses are from our Bible Study this week. I definitely needed to hear that He, my God, sympathizes with me. As we are now getting closer to retrieval and embryo transfer, it's hard not to get fixated on what our outcome will be...Will we be pregnant? Will we have to face tough news again? Will we get to be elated to know that we finally have a little life growing and waiting to see us? I don't have the answers to these questions. God knows that it is hard for me not to know the outcome and to feel out of control. I think that is why He gave me these verses this week. How hard it must have been to face death on a cross, to know exactly what you're in for, to know that God tells you, you have to do this. He wants you to be obedient. Even when the answer wasn't what Jesus wanted. He was obedient so that I would one day get to see His glory! I can't say that my struggle here even compares to that--I definitely haven't sweat any blood! It helps me to realize my struggle in perspective. Yes it is hard, but it brings me one step closer to my Lord. It brings me one step closer to being the woman he desires of me. It is one step closer to "Well done my good and faithful servant". And I have no idea what sharing our struggle will do for others. Maybe through it, the Lord will bring someone new to His kingdom, or someone else finds comfort in the fact that they are not alone. I will try to focus in on the eternal outcome rather than this one event's outcome.
Whew, now that that's out there, here's the skinny on where we are. We went to the doctor bright and early this morning. My estradiol is still rising and looks good. The ultrasound showed 9-10 follicles. We are switching to Menopur tonight instead of Follistim. Then we go back in tomorrow to get checked again. Dr.Wilshire is predicting a Monday retrieval. I guess we'll find out tomorrow. Here's hopin' and prayin'!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday's Update
Well, it's not Tuesday, but we went back to the doctor Tuesday. The appointment went fine and the follicles are growing! They measured 4 of them, but you could see others in there, you just couldn't measure them yet. My estradiol level was fine and we keep trucking along with my same dosage of Follistim.
They always call me in the afternoon to let me know if there needs to be any changes in my medicine after they look at my estradiol level. That's also when they tell me when the next appointment needs to be. So my appointment is Friday. This translates into retrieval being pushed back, so no Saturday retrieval as of now. My guesstimation is Monday or Tuesday for retrieval, which also pushes back embryo transfer. All this is fine, I'm hoping that my current work schedule will still be okay. I had taken off all next week in expectation of retrieval and embryo transfer. I have to be on bedrest like 6 out of 7 days or something like that, so I just took the whole week. If retrieval doesn't happen until Tuesday, that means bedrest will probably spill over into the following week. I'm working at the beginning of that week, so I may have to switch some things around. We'll see.
So pray for continued growth and that retrieval would go well, whenever that happens. Also pray that if need be, I would not have trouble switching with co-workers to get my schedule worked out. Of course, pray that we will have BIG news at the end of this process!
They always call me in the afternoon to let me know if there needs to be any changes in my medicine after they look at my estradiol level. That's also when they tell me when the next appointment needs to be. So my appointment is Friday. This translates into retrieval being pushed back, so no Saturday retrieval as of now. My guesstimation is Monday or Tuesday for retrieval, which also pushes back embryo transfer. All this is fine, I'm hoping that my current work schedule will still be okay. I had taken off all next week in expectation of retrieval and embryo transfer. I have to be on bedrest like 6 out of 7 days or something like that, so I just took the whole week. If retrieval doesn't happen until Tuesday, that means bedrest will probably spill over into the following week. I'm working at the beginning of that week, so I may have to switch some things around. We'll see.
So pray for continued growth and that retrieval would go well, whenever that happens. Also pray that if need be, I would not have trouble switching with co-workers to get my schedule worked out. Of course, pray that we will have BIG news at the end of this process!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Go with the Flow
Yesterday was a long day, but a good day. We started with our first Dr.'s appt after starting the Follistim. As you've seen from Chris' post, we had 2 good sized follicles that they measured, 2 other ones, and some small ones that Dr.Wilshire said will start growing each day as we continue on the meds. He seemed pleased with how things were going. My labs came back fine and we continue on our same dosage.
I'm really trying to focus in on just being at peace with where we are in the process and being in the now. No worries to what lies ahead and efforts to judge whether or not we're in the ideal spot in the process. Just letting it go into the hands of our Father and trusting that whatever happens, whenever it happens is exactly as He planned it. If He is in charge of it (as He is) then I know that the outcome is the best for us. He knows what He's doing. And what a relief it is to fix my eyes on that. What good is worrying anyway? It brings nothing but stress and heartbreak. It is wonderful to just relax and go with the flow!
Next we were off to Kansas City for Julie Bookless' (now Julie Wood) wedding. On the way we stopped and had lunch with The Banks. It was good to catch up with them and just talk. We were able to reminisce about their late dog Rusty and share stories about our dogs. We talked about his job hunt and the boys. All in all a very good 2 1/2 hours with family.
Then it was off to the wedding. They, of course, got married, which is the most important. Julie looked gorgeous and the ceremony was beautiful. It was great to be a part of their special day and we wish them all the best with God's blessings for their marriage!
I'm really trying to focus in on just being at peace with where we are in the process and being in the now. No worries to what lies ahead and efforts to judge whether or not we're in the ideal spot in the process. Just letting it go into the hands of our Father and trusting that whatever happens, whenever it happens is exactly as He planned it. If He is in charge of it (as He is) then I know that the outcome is the best for us. He knows what He's doing. And what a relief it is to fix my eyes on that. What good is worrying anyway? It brings nothing but stress and heartbreak. It is wonderful to just relax and go with the flow!
Next we were off to Kansas City for Julie Bookless' (now Julie Wood) wedding. On the way we stopped and had lunch with The Banks. It was good to catch up with them and just talk. We were able to reminisce about their late dog Rusty and share stories about our dogs. We talked about his job hunt and the boys. All in all a very good 2 1/2 hours with family.
Then it was off to the wedding. They, of course, got married, which is the most important. Julie looked gorgeous and the ceremony was beautiful. It was great to be a part of their special day and we wish them all the best with God's blessings for their marriage!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Our First Follicles
We just got back from the Dr.'s office. Amy's been taking the follistem for 4 days now. We have 4 follicles that are at a good size which is about where we were last time or just a little better maybe. The Dr.'s shooting for only 9 days of medicine this round, we did 11 days last time, so maybe just 5 more days of the follistem. We did 200 units of follistem on our last round, this time he started her off at 300 units and is keeping her at that level for the next three days too.
Continue to pray with us through this process.
Yesterday I was asked, and accpeted, to be on the Board of Directors for Midwest Foster Care and Adoption Association. Here is there website www.ccfosteradopt.com. I'm looking forward to this new experience.
Today we are heading to Kansas City to see the Banks' for lunch and then to Julie Booless' wedding.
Continue to pray with us through this process.
Yesterday I was asked, and accpeted, to be on the Board of Directors for Midwest Foster Care and Adoption Association. Here is there website www.ccfosteradopt.com. I'm looking forward to this new experience.
Today we are heading to Kansas City to see the Banks' for lunch and then to Julie Booless' wedding.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Round 2 Begins
Well hello there! Boy am I a slacker or what?! Yes, I know I should post more. I just don't know what to write about most of the time. Anyway, on to the issue at hand....
We are officially on to round 2 of IVF this week. We had our first ultrasound and bloodtest of this cycle today. All looks well and I get to decrease my lupron dose tonight and Tuesday start back on my Follistim to create all those eggs! Then it's back to the doctor on Saturday and every 2-3 days after that until the big retrieval day.
I have to say that my feelings and emotions this time around are very different than the first round. Not that I would necessarily expect them to be the same after experiencing the heartwrenching disappointment of round 1. Nonetheless, it is somewhat a surprise to me. I have found that the past month and half lead up to the actual cycle, I have felt much more calm and not in such a rush to get started. It feels like forever ago that we made the decision to take this road again. The last cycle, in hindsight, was like an adrenaline rush for 2 months--the birth control to finally starting lupron and the stim meds. I have been content to just walk through the steps this time. It has actually been freaking me out a little that I feel so calm, peaceful, not anxious, and no butterflies. Then.....
I went to church tonight for a special worship service. It was strictly just worshipping through music. Music is always my favorite. I find myself most at home and connected to God when I'm listening to music and singing (in my car particularly). So it's only natural that I lost it during the worship service tonight.
First, let me rewind a bit. I have not been able to go to church in the past 3 weeks--we were out of town, then I got sick, then I had to work. So this was my first time back at church in over 3 weeks. I didn't realize how disconnected from God I felt until I got there. I missed being there. I missed being connected to God that way. So being back for the first time and reconnecting in the midst of this journey was just overwhelming. I realized that while I do feel a calmness, quietness and peace for this cycle, I'm still a little nervous. What happens if it doesn't work again? What happens if it does?! I was struck with just how little control I have over anything in this process, and life in general really. I really have to give this to God. How do you just dump something like that in the hands of the Savior? Just completely and fully let it go? His grace is enough (in the words of one of the songs). While I trusted God in the last cycle and looked to Him for comfort and strength through the process; I still clung to the tiny bit of control I FELT I had through taking the medicine and checking my estradiol levels and looking at the progression through ultrasounds. Illusions I didn't realize I had until I reflect back.
I have no control, not over the process, not over the outcome, nothing. So here we go God. I give it to you. Help me get through it.
We are officially on to round 2 of IVF this week. We had our first ultrasound and bloodtest of this cycle today. All looks well and I get to decrease my lupron dose tonight and Tuesday start back on my Follistim to create all those eggs! Then it's back to the doctor on Saturday and every 2-3 days after that until the big retrieval day.
I have to say that my feelings and emotions this time around are very different than the first round. Not that I would necessarily expect them to be the same after experiencing the heartwrenching disappointment of round 1. Nonetheless, it is somewhat a surprise to me. I have found that the past month and half lead up to the actual cycle, I have felt much more calm and not in such a rush to get started. It feels like forever ago that we made the decision to take this road again. The last cycle, in hindsight, was like an adrenaline rush for 2 months--the birth control to finally starting lupron and the stim meds. I have been content to just walk through the steps this time. It has actually been freaking me out a little that I feel so calm, peaceful, not anxious, and no butterflies. Then.....
I went to church tonight for a special worship service. It was strictly just worshipping through music. Music is always my favorite. I find myself most at home and connected to God when I'm listening to music and singing (in my car particularly). So it's only natural that I lost it during the worship service tonight.
First, let me rewind a bit. I have not been able to go to church in the past 3 weeks--we were out of town, then I got sick, then I had to work. So this was my first time back at church in over 3 weeks. I didn't realize how disconnected from God I felt until I got there. I missed being there. I missed being connected to God that way. So being back for the first time and reconnecting in the midst of this journey was just overwhelming. I realized that while I do feel a calmness, quietness and peace for this cycle, I'm still a little nervous. What happens if it doesn't work again? What happens if it does?! I was struck with just how little control I have over anything in this process, and life in general really. I really have to give this to God. How do you just dump something like that in the hands of the Savior? Just completely and fully let it go? His grace is enough (in the words of one of the songs). While I trusted God in the last cycle and looked to Him for comfort and strength through the process; I still clung to the tiny bit of control I FELT I had through taking the medicine and checking my estradiol levels and looking at the progression through ultrasounds. Illusions I didn't realize I had until I reflect back.
I have no control, not over the process, not over the outcome, nothing. So here we go God. I give it to you. Help me get through it.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Okay, Little Change
Well, that last post that was about doing IVF in April is not exactly correct. We will be doing it starting at the end of April and into the first couple of weeks in May. When I went to pick up the calendar and birth control pills, it turned out I was supposed to start my injections on the day we were leaving to go out of town to Denver. Sooooo, because it was just gonna be too tight to make it work, we pushed till May.
We're actually kinda glad. We don't want to just "make it work". This is a big investment and the life of our little one on the line. We want to get it right! We would have hated to go through the cycle, at the end not be pregnant, and then ask ourselves if it was because we "just made it work" and rushed to get all the steps done. We're much more at peace with May. Also it allows us to prepare and pray more! So here's looking forward to May!
We're actually kinda glad. We don't want to just "make it work". This is a big investment and the life of our little one on the line. We want to get it right! We would have hated to go through the cycle, at the end not be pregnant, and then ask ourselves if it was because we "just made it work" and rushed to get all the steps done. We're much more at peace with May. Also it allows us to prepare and pray more! So here's looking forward to May!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Back in the Saddle Again
Hello there everyone! Well, I have just been the slacker for not posting. Sorry. I really have trouble writing about the mundane things of daily routine. Anyway, I wanted to post and let everyone know that we are alive and well here in Columbia, MO.
It's official, we have finally made a decision about next steps in our journey to having a child. Chris and I discussed where we were and what our leanings were yesterday over lunch after church. We also talked about whether or not we were actually ready for the next step. Our decision after prayer and patience, both of us independently of the other, was to do IVF again. So I called Marney at Dr.Wilshire's office this morning. It looks like we will probably start that process here in a couple of weeks (all of the prep meds, etc). The actually IVF cycle will be in April. I was quite shocked as I was expecting May because of where I am in my cycle. But she says I'm right on the edge of when we could do it for April. So a little sooner, but hey, I'm okay with that! I will do my best to continue to update everyone here on the blog!
Blessings,
Amy
It's official, we have finally made a decision about next steps in our journey to having a child. Chris and I discussed where we were and what our leanings were yesterday over lunch after church. We also talked about whether or not we were actually ready for the next step. Our decision after prayer and patience, both of us independently of the other, was to do IVF again. So I called Marney at Dr.Wilshire's office this morning. It looks like we will probably start that process here in a couple of weeks (all of the prep meds, etc). The actually IVF cycle will be in April. I was quite shocked as I was expecting May because of where I am in my cycle. But she says I'm right on the edge of when we could do it for April. So a little sooner, but hey, I'm okay with that! I will do my best to continue to update everyone here on the blog!
Blessings,
Amy
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Sorry for the absence
Hello all! Sorry for the extended absence. We went home for Christmas to return to sickness and work. In the midst of all that, I was just out of the habit. Also I feel as if I had nothing profound to report. However, the past few days I've realized that most of the people who check in with us regularly here, just want to know the day-to-day, not necessarily profound thoughts every time they read.
Our time in Nashville was short, busy, sweet, and our return to soon. We spent our first night there in the hospital with my grandmother (Ma) who is fine now. We took a 4 hour nap and began our Christmas festivities at Ma's house for Christmas Eve dinner. My nephew and little cousins were there, all under the age of 8 (I think). They took a liking to playing in the den with Chris and I which led to a very rambuctious semi-wrestling match. We left exhausted but felt we made the most of our time there. Then Christmas Day was spent with my Dad's side of the family, mostly eating and playing Guitar Hero on the Wii. I am now officially addicted to and obsessed with this game. I cannot turn on the Wii without playing it, and for hours at that. The next day was spent relaxing on a 4 wheeler at my Dad's favorite hunting spot. I know, who knew I would drive a 4 wheeler. (And I liked it, weird.) Our last day was spent leisurely preparing to leave and having lunch with my high school best friend and her family. Lastly the long drive home.
Since then, both Chris and I have reluctantly returned to the daily grind. Included in that was my stint at work for New Year's. I really didn't mind actually and the holiday pay was soooo worth it! We BOTH have finally returned back to church since all the madness of the holidays. That was really nice. I always miss being there when I haven't been able to go in a few weeks.
As I had mentioned, both Chris and I have been sick. I finally went to the doctor after not sleeping for a week due to extreme coughing and an order from Chris as he was starting to get it from me. I got an unexpected diagnoses of bronchitis and sinusitis along with some antibiotics and some killer cough medicine. Chris' doctor visit followed a couple of days later. Unfortunately he is still suffering with it as I am on the tail end of it and feeling much better. The cough medicine prescribed me has the equivalent of hydrocodone in it that 2 vicoden does. Needless to say, I slept...and slept...and slept. About 14 hours to be exact. But it does the body good, I woke up the next day feeling a ton better and have been on the mend since. Luckily no longer needing the cough medicine, as it left me quite tired all the next day after I took it.
So really that's all that's going on with us. Forgive the lengthiness of this post. I guess I shoulda posted sooner!
Our time in Nashville was short, busy, sweet, and our return to soon. We spent our first night there in the hospital with my grandmother (Ma) who is fine now. We took a 4 hour nap and began our Christmas festivities at Ma's house for Christmas Eve dinner. My nephew and little cousins were there, all under the age of 8 (I think). They took a liking to playing in the den with Chris and I which led to a very rambuctious semi-wrestling match. We left exhausted but felt we made the most of our time there. Then Christmas Day was spent with my Dad's side of the family, mostly eating and playing Guitar Hero on the Wii. I am now officially addicted to and obsessed with this game. I cannot turn on the Wii without playing it, and for hours at that. The next day was spent relaxing on a 4 wheeler at my Dad's favorite hunting spot. I know, who knew I would drive a 4 wheeler. (And I liked it, weird.) Our last day was spent leisurely preparing to leave and having lunch with my high school best friend and her family. Lastly the long drive home.
Since then, both Chris and I have reluctantly returned to the daily grind. Included in that was my stint at work for New Year's. I really didn't mind actually and the holiday pay was soooo worth it! We BOTH have finally returned back to church since all the madness of the holidays. That was really nice. I always miss being there when I haven't been able to go in a few weeks.
As I had mentioned, both Chris and I have been sick. I finally went to the doctor after not sleeping for a week due to extreme coughing and an order from Chris as he was starting to get it from me. I got an unexpected diagnoses of bronchitis and sinusitis along with some antibiotics and some killer cough medicine. Chris' doctor visit followed a couple of days later. Unfortunately he is still suffering with it as I am on the tail end of it and feeling much better. The cough medicine prescribed me has the equivalent of hydrocodone in it that 2 vicoden does. Needless to say, I slept...and slept...and slept. About 14 hours to be exact. But it does the body good, I woke up the next day feeling a ton better and have been on the mend since. Luckily no longer needing the cough medicine, as it left me quite tired all the next day after I took it.
So really that's all that's going on with us. Forgive the lengthiness of this post. I guess I shoulda posted sooner!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Merry Christmas!
Hello everyone! Well, we are headed to Nashville this weekend to see my family for Christmas! I'm super excited as I have not been home for the holidays in 2 years! A lot has changed that 2 years and it will just be good to be home. I'm also looking forward to seeing some old and dear friends. I'm planning to see my best friend from high school, Tara, and a close college friend, Anna. I miss them and can't wait to catch up!
Also, I wanted to take this time to thank everyone for their love and support these last couple of months. Even though it did not turn out as we had hoped, we know that God has a reason. Your encouragement and just knowing that you're reading and praying with us is so precious. It is a wonderful reminder that God created us to live in community just for times like these. It is through friends and family that we have a tangible look into the heart of God and the way He wants to love us. You are His hands and feet to us, He comforts us through you. You are a constant reminder that He IS still there and walking through this with us.
May you have a very Merry Christmas this year!
Also, I wanted to take this time to thank everyone for their love and support these last couple of months. Even though it did not turn out as we had hoped, we know that God has a reason. Your encouragement and just knowing that you're reading and praying with us is so precious. It is a wonderful reminder that God created us to live in community just for times like these. It is through friends and family that we have a tangible look into the heart of God and the way He wants to love us. You are His hands and feet to us, He comforts us through you. You are a constant reminder that He IS still there and walking through this with us.
May you have a very Merry Christmas this year!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Partners in Burden
As many of you know from my recent post, I have been reading a book called Hannah's Hope. It (she) is extremely honest about the journey of infertility. She has not sugarcoated her feelings to make them look pretty or more "godly". I am really appreciating that right now. I struggle with the desire to be honest with God about where I'm at emotionally and fear of "messing up" (I don't exactly know how to explain it) in my walk with God. For lack of a better way to put it, I don't want to offend and piss Him off. (LOL, I know it's not really possible in my head, but the heart is another issue.)
Anyway, in the book she has a section called "Burden Bearers". This is for people reading the book in effort to support a friend or family member facing infertility, miscarriage or adoption loss. Reading them is interesting.... I don't always agree with everything put in there, I find some of it to be more an issue of being overly sensitive. But today, one of the chapters really hit home for me. I wanted to share it with you. However, I want to preface it by saying: please know if you have said or done anything written in this, there is grace from us. We realize you too are in a difficult situation--you have no idea what to say to us. We are not upset with anyone and are over anything you might have said to us in effort to find words of comfort for us. Please do not take it personally! Anyway, so here it is, Chp. 10 Burden Bearers:
It goes on a little bit about opinions, but I felt it worded a little harshly and take the liberty of stopping here. Again I pray you do not read in any bitterness and that you are not made selfconscious of previous statements. I actually chuckled as I was reading this. People, especially acquaintances,have a tendancy to say these in effort to help and we know that. I just thought it was funny that others face this besides us and I thought it was worded well and clearly. I hope that you can have a giggle with me!
Anyway, in the book she has a section called "Burden Bearers". This is for people reading the book in effort to support a friend or family member facing infertility, miscarriage or adoption loss. Reading them is interesting.... I don't always agree with everything put in there, I find some of it to be more an issue of being overly sensitive. But today, one of the chapters really hit home for me. I wanted to share it with you. However, I want to preface it by saying: please know if you have said or done anything written in this, there is grace from us. We realize you too are in a difficult situation--you have no idea what to say to us. We are not upset with anyone and are over anything you might have said to us in effort to find words of comfort for us. Please do not take it personally! Anyway, so here it is, Chp. 10 Burden Bearers:
"Most fertility-related issues are medical problems, often entailing many complex issues. Infertility causes stress, but it is extremely rare for stress to be the sole cause of infertility. "Relaxing" will not cure endometriosis, open blocked fallopian tubes,enable deformed sperm to fertilize an egg, compensate for hormonal imbalances linked to recurrent miscarriage, or change my odds of carrying a child with genetic defects.
Don't suggest that my infertility will be resolved if I "just adopt." Adoption may (or may not) be a part of God's plans for us, but both infertility and adoption are issues we need to work through one step at a time. A healthy period of grieving for the biological child we may never have may be needed before we are ready to even consider adoption. And while I'm sure you know someone who adopted and then got pregnant, statistically, adoption does not increase my chances of future pregnancy.
Please do not offer advice unless I ask you for it. I have probably already heard about (and tried) boxer shorts, vacation, and sexual techniques to improve our chances of conception."
It goes on a little bit about opinions, but I felt it worded a little harshly and take the liberty of stopping here. Again I pray you do not read in any bitterness and that you are not made selfconscious of previous statements. I actually chuckled as I was reading this. People, especially acquaintances,have a tendancy to say these in effort to help and we know that. I just thought it was funny that others face this besides us and I thought it was worded well and clearly. I hope that you can have a giggle with me!
Wii are dangerous!
Well, Chris and I decided, actually he decided because I wouldn't, that we would get a Wii for Christmas. It is supposed to be a gift to each other. I must admit I have been wanting one for a while. But we're grown adults, we don't play video games anymore and we definitely have better things to do with our time. Yeah, right... I LOVE IT! And Chris won't admit it but he does too!
The problem with the Wii is that you can spend hours on end playing it. Also you wake up the next morning wondering why you are so sore. Last night, I got home from work and I bowled, played pool, golfed, super mario bros it up old school style, played Tetris, and tried some baseball. Man does that not just sound exhausting?! By the way, bowling is much harder on the Wii than in real life. I mean who puts obstacles in the middle of the lanes, really. No, but it is super fun. I'm sure if you were walking by my window last night watching me swing imaginery golf clubs and throwing bowling balls, I just looked like a complete freak. I had so much fun though.
All in all I'd say it was a fabulous Christmas gift to each other! Hope all of you guys are having fun, looking forward to time with your family, got your shopping done, and are remembering the true reason for the season! Merry CHRISTmas!
The problem with the Wii is that you can spend hours on end playing it. Also you wake up the next morning wondering why you are so sore. Last night, I got home from work and I bowled, played pool, golfed, super mario bros it up old school style, played Tetris, and tried some baseball. Man does that not just sound exhausting?! By the way, bowling is much harder on the Wii than in real life. I mean who puts obstacles in the middle of the lanes, really. No, but it is super fun. I'm sure if you were walking by my window last night watching me swing imaginery golf clubs and throwing bowling balls, I just looked like a complete freak. I had so much fun though.
All in all I'd say it was a fabulous Christmas gift to each other! Hope all of you guys are having fun, looking forward to time with your family, got your shopping done, and are remembering the true reason for the season! Merry CHRISTmas!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Coping
Well, I know it's been several days since I posted. I guess, I have felt that I don't have much new to say. While the initial sting of the no pregnancy news has to some degree worn off, the ache is still there. How long does it last? Not that I expected that we would be over it in a week, but I do find myself wondering just how long does your heart ache?
For the most part I have been much better. I am able to talk about the experience and share our disappointing news without bursting into tears now. But I do find myself randomly sad and tearful still. I still have a lot of the same questions I did last week. I still haven't gotten past my front door with answers to those questions. I still am waiting on God to reveal the answer to why.
Chris ordered some books for us to read on coping and walking through infertility, miscarriage and loss. (I began reading one of them today called Hannah's Hope.) I am so thankful for his willingness to share his feelings with me and to walk through it with me rather than shutting down. I know that I am hurting, and likewise, so is he. It is definitely a different perspective to understand, the guy perspective on it. So just as everyone has been encouraging to me and asking how I am doing, I encourage you to do the same for him as well.
I would have to say, that I have become thankful that we have not endured more than what we have. I have encountered couples that have been through double the cycles of disappointment that we have and countless unsuccessful in vitro attempts. The book that I mentioned earlier, the author suffered 5 miscarriages, a dozen failed adoptions, and 12 years of infertility with multiple surgeries. So I can be thankful that I have not endured that kind of sorrow. I cannot imagine how to heal a heart that broken. Yet somehow God provides. And I know that God will provide whatever strength we need in abundance, even when it doesn't feel like it. In addition, it is providing opportunities to encourage others walking through the same trials. No matter who you are, in what situation, it is always encouraging to know that you are not alone. If we can reach out to others and let them know they are not alone, that is a gift and a blessing.
Many of you have asked: What now, what next? The answer is that we have no idea. It is hard to imagine going through (mostly the disappointment of) in vitro again, although both of us have said we would do it again. Do we go on to adoption now? I don't know. I find this question right now particularly difficult to think about. The possiblity of another failed attempt at anything is more than my heart can bear. So where do go from here? The desire for children is definitely still there, yet facing loss again is impossible to think about. Whatever the decision, it is at least a few months off.
For the most part I have been much better. I am able to talk about the experience and share our disappointing news without bursting into tears now. But I do find myself randomly sad and tearful still. I still have a lot of the same questions I did last week. I still haven't gotten past my front door with answers to those questions. I still am waiting on God to reveal the answer to why.
Chris ordered some books for us to read on coping and walking through infertility, miscarriage and loss. (I began reading one of them today called Hannah's Hope.) I am so thankful for his willingness to share his feelings with me and to walk through it with me rather than shutting down. I know that I am hurting, and likewise, so is he. It is definitely a different perspective to understand, the guy perspective on it. So just as everyone has been encouraging to me and asking how I am doing, I encourage you to do the same for him as well.
I would have to say, that I have become thankful that we have not endured more than what we have. I have encountered couples that have been through double the cycles of disappointment that we have and countless unsuccessful in vitro attempts. The book that I mentioned earlier, the author suffered 5 miscarriages, a dozen failed adoptions, and 12 years of infertility with multiple surgeries. So I can be thankful that I have not endured that kind of sorrow. I cannot imagine how to heal a heart that broken. Yet somehow God provides. And I know that God will provide whatever strength we need in abundance, even when it doesn't feel like it. In addition, it is providing opportunities to encourage others walking through the same trials. No matter who you are, in what situation, it is always encouraging to know that you are not alone. If we can reach out to others and let them know they are not alone, that is a gift and a blessing.
Many of you have asked: What now, what next? The answer is that we have no idea. It is hard to imagine going through (mostly the disappointment of) in vitro again, although both of us have said we would do it again. Do we go on to adoption now? I don't know. I find this question right now particularly difficult to think about. The possiblity of another failed attempt at anything is more than my heart can bear. So where do go from here? The desire for children is definitely still there, yet facing loss again is impossible to think about. Whatever the decision, it is at least a few months off.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Shaving Tip
This past weekend Amy and I went to St. Louis to do some shopping and at one of the malls we ran across this store called The Art of Shaving. It was a really cool store! They are dedicated to a very good shave. They have old time shaving products like the straight razor, the safety razor(invented in 1901), and the creams and brushes and stuff like that. Its like a specialty Pen store, the razors were like $150 and up. Well, about a year ago I found an old fashioned safety razor in my grandparents new house they were moving into and thought it was neat and kept it. I became very interested in shaving with it after being at this store, so on my way home tonight I stopped and picked up some new blades. I got home from a long day, hopped in the shower and went ahead and shaved with it. I was getting this amazing smooth feel I'd not had before, it was feeling great, then I decided to look in the mirror. HOLY COW, I looked like I should have been in some scary film with my face all cut up. There was a reason I was getting a smooth shave, it was taking every thing off my face!!! Well thankfully when I was at the store I bought a styptic pen in case I was to nick myself, really didn't think I would need it. So I grabbed it and started putting some on my face, well, I was really just rubbing the whole thing all over my face as fast as I could, oh my, that burnt like crazy!! The shave didn't hurt at all, that styptic pen, not using that again. Well, it didn't work, apparently it's only for nicks, not when your face is cut off. Sorry for the bloody towel honey. So, for all the men that want a close shave, go to a professional barber if you want this experience otherwise just stick with the Gillette Fusion. Also visit http://www.theartofshaving.com/ and buy your hubby something cool for christmas(just not a safety razor)!!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Walking through Pain
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8
Well, we are trying to move forward after our disappointment. I cannot say that I am not angry or confused. Because I am. I do not understand why we are where we are right now. I do not understand why God did not bless us with a pregnancy. What about His promises? What about the scripture that we prayed? What exactly does it mean? Did we pray/use it wrong? I don't have the answers. I'm searching for understanding and so far I have not gotten past my front door.
I know that there is a reason. I know that God is faithful. However, I must say that right now, it doesn't FEEL like it. I ask myself sometimes, how can you possibly question God...He is God. The truth is that He is big enough to handle it. Just like any other friend that we have, you have disagreements, you get mad at them, you don't understand them, and eventually you have to deal with that. I figure my God is big enough to handle my questions. I am human, and God will have to help me get through this anger and frustration. This, by no means, is a loss of faith. Quite the contrary, this is faith building. It just sucks.
I was reading Job this morning and it reminded me that there was someone that cried out in anger against God and lived. He got set straight in the end, but nonetheless, he lived and he was blessed abundantly for it.
My thoughts on some of the scripture that we were relying on.... First, I still believe that God will bless us with children of our own. He never gives a timeline on that one. Next, and the more difficult one for me, is the scripture that stated that none will miscarry. To me, I feel like what happened, in essence, was a miscarriage. We put those little embies in there, but nothing. So how do you reconcile that scripture promise? Does God see it differently than we do? Does God say that it's not a miscarriage if the embryo never implanted? I don't know. Beyond that, we have Christian friends, truly followers of the Lord, who have miscarried. How does that fit in? The beginning of that scripture starts out with "Worship the Lord", so does it mean that there is an area of our lives where we are not worshipping the Lord and that is the reason? If so, then where is grace in the midst of all this? If nothing else, I'm sure I know that God's grace is a promise for everyone. I just have a lot of questions that I cannot answer. God is going to have to pick up the tab on these. In the meantime, the scripture that keeps playing over and over in my mind is the one that I posted at the top of the page--"my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways". For now, that's all I have.
Stand in the Rain by Superchick
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why
but she knows that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2naYghOqM0s
Well, we are trying to move forward after our disappointment. I cannot say that I am not angry or confused. Because I am. I do not understand why we are where we are right now. I do not understand why God did not bless us with a pregnancy. What about His promises? What about the scripture that we prayed? What exactly does it mean? Did we pray/use it wrong? I don't have the answers. I'm searching for understanding and so far I have not gotten past my front door.
I know that there is a reason. I know that God is faithful. However, I must say that right now, it doesn't FEEL like it. I ask myself sometimes, how can you possibly question God...He is God. The truth is that He is big enough to handle it. Just like any other friend that we have, you have disagreements, you get mad at them, you don't understand them, and eventually you have to deal with that. I figure my God is big enough to handle my questions. I am human, and God will have to help me get through this anger and frustration. This, by no means, is a loss of faith. Quite the contrary, this is faith building. It just sucks.
I was reading Job this morning and it reminded me that there was someone that cried out in anger against God and lived. He got set straight in the end, but nonetheless, he lived and he was blessed abundantly for it.
My thoughts on some of the scripture that we were relying on.... First, I still believe that God will bless us with children of our own. He never gives a timeline on that one. Next, and the more difficult one for me, is the scripture that stated that none will miscarry. To me, I feel like what happened, in essence, was a miscarriage. We put those little embies in there, but nothing. So how do you reconcile that scripture promise? Does God see it differently than we do? Does God say that it's not a miscarriage if the embryo never implanted? I don't know. Beyond that, we have Christian friends, truly followers of the Lord, who have miscarried. How does that fit in? The beginning of that scripture starts out with "Worship the Lord", so does it mean that there is an area of our lives where we are not worshipping the Lord and that is the reason? If so, then where is grace in the midst of all this? If nothing else, I'm sure I know that God's grace is a promise for everyone. I just have a lot of questions that I cannot answer. God is going to have to pick up the tab on these. In the meantime, the scripture that keeps playing over and over in my mind is the one that I posted at the top of the page--"my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways". For now, that's all I have.
Stand in the Rain by Superchick
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why
but she knows that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2naYghOqM0s
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Continue to check in
Hello all.... I wanted to let you know that I/we will be continuing to post to our blog. We are processing and doing better. I just wanted to let you all know, that even though this is a difficult time, we will continue to keep you updated. Also, I think it's important for you all to be a part of our healing after this cycle. So, my posts may not always be roses, but I will be writing--it's healing for me. Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Results
Well, the pregnancy test was negative this morning. We are sad and brokenhearted. What else to say?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuberville Fired...BAD IDEA!
Well, I don't know if you have heard. I just found out myself that Auburn fired head coach Tommy Tuberville. Now, for those of you who don't really watch Auburn football and only ask me about it to be polite, this is BAD! I realize we had a bad, no horrible and horrendous season. That does not change the fact that he IS a good coach.
He did a lot for our team at Auburn including leading us to an undefeated 13-0 season. We had 6 straight wins against Alabama. Not to mention this is the first losing season of his 10 year tenure at AU. His record speaks for itself. Not to mention that from an academic and discipline standpoint, he was a strict guy. He kept our guys in line. Unfortunately, in SEC football the only season that counts is this season. It's a tough conference and the coaching carousel goes round and round. I believe this stupid mistake will cost Auburn several bad seasons to come.
To those idiots at Auburn who made the decision to fire him, I look forward to saying I told you so. See some other program is now going to snatch him up, and go on to a national championship. I'm sure of it. Then what will they be saying?! Oh, I'm so mad I could just boycott AU football. Only, I won't. As much as I am frustrated about this, it is my alma mater. I love Auburn, and I love the Auburn Tigers! I look forward to better times and remember all the wonderful friends and memories I have from there. That is what makes Auburn special!
He did a lot for our team at Auburn including leading us to an undefeated 13-0 season. We had 6 straight wins against Alabama. Not to mention this is the first losing season of his 10 year tenure at AU. His record speaks for itself. Not to mention that from an academic and discipline standpoint, he was a strict guy. He kept our guys in line. Unfortunately, in SEC football the only season that counts is this season. It's a tough conference and the coaching carousel goes round and round. I believe this stupid mistake will cost Auburn several bad seasons to come.
To those idiots at Auburn who made the decision to fire him, I look forward to saying I told you so. See some other program is now going to snatch him up, and go on to a national championship. I'm sure of it. Then what will they be saying?! Oh, I'm so mad I could just boycott AU football. Only, I won't. As much as I am frustrated about this, it is my alma mater. I love Auburn, and I love the Auburn Tigers! I look forward to better times and remember all the wonderful friends and memories I have from there. That is what makes Auburn special!
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