Round 2 Begins

Well hello there! Boy am I a slacker or what?! Yes, I know I should post more. I just don't know what to write about most of the time. Anyway, on to the issue at hand....

We are officially on to round 2 of IVF this week. We had our first ultrasound and bloodtest of this cycle today. All looks well and I get to decrease my lupron dose tonight and Tuesday start back on my Follistim to create all those eggs! Then it's back to the doctor on Saturday and every 2-3 days after that until the big retrieval day.

I have to say that my feelings and emotions this time around are very different than the first round. Not that I would necessarily expect them to be the same after experiencing the heartwrenching disappointment of round 1. Nonetheless, it is somewhat a surprise to me. I have found that the past month and half lead up to the actual cycle, I have felt much more calm and not in such a rush to get started. It feels like forever ago that we made the decision to take this road again. The last cycle, in hindsight, was like an adrenaline rush for 2 months--the birth control to finally starting lupron and the stim meds. I have been content to just walk through the steps this time. It has actually been freaking me out a little that I feel so calm, peaceful, not anxious, and no butterflies. Then.....

I went to church tonight for a special worship service. It was strictly just worshipping through music. Music is always my favorite. I find myself most at home and connected to God when I'm listening to music and singing (in my car particularly). So it's only natural that I lost it during the worship service tonight.

First, let me rewind a bit. I have not been able to go to church in the past 3 weeks--we were out of town, then I got sick, then I had to work. So this was my first time back at church in over 3 weeks. I didn't realize how disconnected from God I felt until I got there. I missed being there. I missed being connected to God that way. So being back for the first time and reconnecting in the midst of this journey was just overwhelming. I realized that while I do feel a calmness, quietness and peace for this cycle, I'm still a little nervous. What happens if it doesn't work again? What happens if it does?! I was struck with just how little control I have over anything in this process, and life in general really. I really have to give this to God. How do you just dump something like that in the hands of the Savior? Just completely and fully let it go? His grace is enough (in the words of one of the songs). While I trusted God in the last cycle and looked to Him for comfort and strength through the process; I still clung to the tiny bit of control I FELT I had through taking the medicine and checking my estradiol levels and looking at the progression through ultrasounds. Illusions I didn't realize I had until I reflect back.

I have no control, not over the process, not over the outcome, nothing. So here we go God. I give it to you. Help me get through it.